Forget Sunscreen, Moisturizer and Wound Dressing—Try Mack’s Grease!

Forget moisturizer, anti aging cream, acne products, facial cleanser, medical hazard eye wash, propranolol, peanut butter so your dog will take her pills, lip balm, wound balm, elbow balm, elephant balm—forget all the balms! Forget cyst rub, antifungal cream, antibacterial cream, engine lube and Abreva. In fact, forget going to doctors, dentists, and car mechanics altogether.

Mack’s Grease can replace all these things, and more.

From the immaculate atmosphere of the Bunny Ears Burbank office basement comes Mack’s Grease! Newly harvested and available to YOU for a limited time, unless grease supplies replenish. (Please don’t ask Mack how or from where he harvests his grease.)

This luscious lard comes to us after Mack spent 23 hours in our basement communing with our whales that we keep down there. In a tank. Next to the water heater and our merch manager, Elijah. (Please nobody ask us about the whales. We don’t technically have the proper permits).

But we do have the permits to sell this premium all-use grease for $19.99 a unit. We’re not exactly sure what to call units of this slop, but it’s already made our skin baby soft and our car engines run so smoothly. Is there anything this grease can’t do? (Yes. It can’t stop spreading fires. Please do not store Mack’s Grease in or around open flames, high temperatures, moist windows, stove tops, toaster ovens, or really 🔥 mixes.)

Additionally, Mack’s grease can be used to spice up your sex life as lube, or as massage oil if you’re one of those people who puts in that kind of effort. You can also plop our grease in your coffee instead of butter, and it probably treats ADHD. You can even increase the speed of your slips and slides on your Slip n’ Slide by 30mph. We also spoke to the whale biologist Mack keeps next to our basement whales, and he summed it up with,

“I need to warn the scientific community!”

What a ringing endorsement of a glorious product! One of our editors, Shawn, tried Mack’s Grease on his eye bags, and now no one even looks him in the eye. What a success! We even used some grease on Craig, our insufferable intern, and it made him go away! Mack’s Grease is truly the solution to all problems (again, except fire.)

After it’s harvested and inspected for lumps and nodes, each wad of Mack’s Grease is lovingly plopped into some sort of container. We don’t have uniform containers. Please stop asking us about the containers. Yes, sometimes the grease will be shipped to you in upcycled krill jars (how are we supposed to feed the whales?). Just be grateful for the grease. Not everybody has grease. We certainly didn’t until Mack locked himself in our whale basement for almost a day.

Technically none of the statements we’ve made about Mack’s Grease have been vetted by scientists or medical professionals, but do you know what have been vetted by scientists and medical professionals? Vaccines. Chemotherapy. Lectins. So we feel it’s best to keep this grease untouched by unclean medical hands.

Purchase it today and we’ll include free samples of Mack’s Clumps! (Please don’t ask Mack how or from where he harvests the clumps.)

Images: Pixabay.com