Avoid Laugh Lines And Wrinkles By Taking Everything Too Seriously
They say that laughter is the best medicine, but we all know that it’s actually Botox. Laughter only trims the time between doses. So if you’re looking to avoid laugh lines and wrinkles, start taking every aspect of your life entirely too freaking seriously. Here’s a helpful series of tips on how to become a total bummer.
Point Out Logical Fallacies in Jokes
Jokes are great—if you want to age prematurely. That’s why, if you hear someone tossing out a joke setup, you need to step all over that punchline. Let’s say a child asks, “What did the muffin say to the other muffin?” Respond by letting them know that muffins aren’t sentient, and even if they were, they lack the necessary anatomy to communicate verbally with one another. Nobody will laugh, therefore nobody will get laugh lines. This is a better defense against wrinkles than any moisturizer.
Always Feel Attacked
Beauty tip: Take everything personally, no matter how obviously innocuous it may be. If someone remarks that your dining room table is adorably rustic and absolutely “you,” respond with a firm but polite, “What the shit is that supposed to mean, Cassandra? Are you implying that I’m simple, wooden, and flat? Brad didn’t seem to mind when he was plowing me behind your back, so who’s rustic now, you dusty loser?” Do this and be assured that you, like this friendship, won’t age another day.
Destroy Your Past
You’ll never again feel tempted to smile while reminiscing about wonderful moments from your past if you eliminate all reminders of them. Burn photographs, keepsakes, and even pets, if need be. Prevent the acquisition of new treasured memories at all costs. Forge documents and a passport, and then travel to somewhere frigid and depressing. The icy tundra will physically and emotionally preserve your appearance, which is all that matters. Remember: “Stay cold to avoid looking old.” Your looks are precious; frivolous items like personal possessions and grandparents are not.
We know this sounds stressful, and stress can also cause wrinkles. Luckily, we have a solution for that conundrum as well: Simply stop caring or feeling any emotion whatsoever. Abandoning everyone you’ve ever known or loved is a great start. Strip away your humanity, and free yourself from the mental prison we call a “conscience.” Does this technically make you a sociopath? Yeah. But, like, a really hot one.