Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide, our recurring series where in which our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. This week, we’ll be taking you through:
The Beginner’s Guide To Dining Out When Your Country Hates You
So, you’ve gone and done it. You somehow managed to single-handedly piss off so many people that over half the country doesn’t want to share a restaurant with you anymore. What did you do, dear reader? Did you have a Herpes Reveal Party? Did you declare Vietnamese pho soup to be garbage water? Did you breastfeed your snakes in public? (These are all examples from our writers because examples from our political leaders are so much worse.)
You should’ve known better, but don’t worry. As always, we are here to help, and not because some of our articles may have inspired your terrible life choices. Seriously, that’s on you. Be a good boy and take responsibility. Nonetheless, we have compiled a definitive guide on how you can still dine out even though a big chunk of humanity wants to spit a mouthful of pho in your face.
Recreate That Iconic Scene In Lady And The Tramp
This scene will be easy to recreate with your senatorial jowls and perpetually wet nose! Sure, some restaurants will refuse to even talk to you after all the wretched things you’ve said and done, but we bet there are still a few places that would gladly let you dine out in their back alley at no extra cost.
Who wants to dine indoors anyway? Or on some pretentious patio with people you don’t even know? An alley will give you the privacy you need right now. Just make sure you have some security staff with you.
And don’t be bothered by those trash cans – it’s nostalgic romanticism! Tell your publicist to use that term.
Wear A Mask And Pretend Like Every Day Is Halloween
It’s 2018 and people in costume aren’t weird anymore. You can hide your spittable face AND be trendy, all in the name of dining incognito. Fool everyone into thinking you are Michael Myers and not the guy who told the world that people with third nipples don’t deserve healthcare.
Wearing a mask is also great for those days you’re struggling with a cold sore! Or when the spa mucks up your monthly spray tan procedure! When dining out, just make sure your mask has a big enough slit so you can actually stick a fork in your mouth. Mask or not, no one likes a messy eater.
Offer To Pay Everyone’s Dining Experience For A Year
So the mask didn’t work and you’ve ruined most of your suits because you didn’t listen to us about widening that mouth slit. Geez Louise, whatever will we do with you! Okay, it’s fine, we know you have piles of cash stored in your special basement-where-only-Frank-is-allowed-between-5-and-7PM. Pick your head up, buy a new suit or twenty, and use some of those dollar bills to win the hearts of your fellow diners. You will dine with them, and you will make them dine with you.
If trying to buy off diners still doesn’t work (people can be so resistant), then just buy the entire restaurant and dine alone for the rest of your life.
Maybe take Frank with you every once in a while.
Stay At Home
No one can say you didn’t try. Not even Frank wants to go out with you anymore. Well, we say screw it. Dining out is for the bourgeoisie anyway. Simply stay at home and live on takeaways for the rest of your life.
Just like your President.