WWE Publicist Switches To Mainlining Xanax For Next Crown Jewel PPV

October 19, 2019 by , featured in Wrestling
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“Gulp, here we go again,” said WWE publicist Jacob Bleekman as he injected Xanax straight into his bloodstream before answering to the press, the fans, and the general public before the next Crown Jewel PPV in Saudi Arabia.

“Like many people, I’ve taken the occasional Xanax over the years, but this WWE job is brutal on my nerves. In fact, lately, I’ve needed a turkey baster full of the stuff injected directly into me just to get through a press conference.”

World Wrestling Entertainment’s Crown Jewel and other shows broadcasted from Saudi Arabia have come under scrutiny due to reasons known to any person with access to Google. And it’s taking a toll on WWE’s press team.

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“It’s just been rough, man. No matter how many times I talk about WWE’s charity work, I’m bombarded with uncomfortable questions.”

Questions Like:

  • “Why can’t Sami Zayn be on Crown Jewel?”
  • “Why did John Cena, Daniel Bryan, and Kevin Owens decline to go?”
  • “Is it called The Greatest Royal Rumble due to the size? Because the show actually sucked.”

That last one really fucked me up,” said Bleekman.

Legit Addicted to Xanax

“There was this one reporter who kept asking about the women’s rights issues in the country and the lack of female wrestlers on the show. And I totally get it (though I still had security escort him out). I’ll never forget that guy. He was a petite man wearing a trench coat and fedora, had a big bushy mustache, long purple hair, and wore studded rings on his fingers that said ‘LEGIT BOSS.’ I tell ya, that was a five-syringe day for me, friend.”

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Per their contract with the Saudi General Sports Authority, WWE will be providing content for the country—and will broadcast the matches on the WWE Network—for the next ten years.

“Ten years?! Fuck, man, I’m—” said Bleekman before immediately mainlining more Xanax and claiming that “everything’s totally chill, though.”

Image: Unsplash, Unsplash, Pixabay, WWE


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