Be The Most Fascinating Person at The Party By Drinking Mulled Urine
In today’s modern age of museums catered to Instagram and contouring our faces into Roman columns, individuality is celebrated as much as it is lost. Setting yourself apart is instrumental in maintaining any sense of sanity, which is why I channel my personal uniqueness into drinking my own mulled urine.
Hear me out. I don’t like the taste of piss, but I do like that it makes me appear interesting. If someone spots you at a party, merrily sipping away at your own urine, they’ll think “Wow, what’s her deal?” And that deal is knowing that absolutely no one else in the room is drinking piss. No one.
I prefer to mull my piss. It gives it the rugged burn of a hot cider while really amplifying the potent scent of piss so that everyone around in the room really knows that, yes, I am drinking piss. If you really want to attract attention, conversation, and questions about yourself and your mental health you’ve been dying to talk about, or if you just want to feel every eye in the room on you, sauntering through a party with a hot cup of your own piss will let everyone know you’re there. People will have 1,000 questions, and they’ll all be directed at you. “When did you start drinking your own pee?” they’ll ask after a series of interrogations about why and whether or not you need help.
Now that you’ve got the entire party at your feet, you can astound them with your secretly fictional tale of the time you were stranded in the Australian Outback mining for opal and survived for three weeks by chugging your own piss. Explain to them that ever since this event that never really occurred happened to you, drinking your own piss makes you feel warm and safe. Everyone will bow their heads in shame that they haven’t lived enough life in comparison to you and that, no matter how much Eckhart Tolle they may have read, they have yet to experience the self-awareness that comes with drinking their pee-pee.
Some might turn their noses up at you or the powerful aroma, but let them. They’re just jealous that they chose to spend all that time and effort on the home brew they specifically crafted for this get-together that everyone is ignoring because there’s a person at this party drinking urine.
Drinking your own pee gets you in touch with your truest self in a way no crystal healing session or sound bath ever could because you’re consuming your own waste. Consuming and then re-purifying. Continuing the life cycle of your body. And—when mixed with equal parts vodka—getting absolutely piss-faced drunk.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…