Hot Ham Facials: The Newest Trend In Skin Care
You’ve probably tried everything when it comes to skin care and beauty—from vampire facials to (yes) even tie-dying your butthole. Exfoliants, expensive creams, rose water, charcoal … and none of it ever seems to work as advertised. But fear not, frugal consumer. There’s a new, inexpensive beauty trend that’s going to rock you to your pores, and we promise your skin will never be the same. Enter: the Hot Ham Facial.
That’s right. Hot ham. And just one slice is all you need. Here’s how it works:
Ham is full of antioxidants. Don’t look that up, just listen to me. Much like “oil pulling,” where you swish coconut oil around in your mouth to loosen the plaque from between your teeth, the oil from the ham will loosen up the dirt from your pores. The trick is to heat the ham until it’s hot to the touch and just a little bit wet (you know how ham gets). It’s all about that sheen. Next, lay the ham over your whole face, gently tapping the meat against your skin. Don’t rub! You don’t want to wear out the ham.
Now I know what the first question on your mind must be. “Hot ham? In summer?” Yes. Who are you, the ham police? Leave the slice on for about 10 to 15 minutes while the pork does its work. Feel the juices seep into your face. Smell the lunch meat permeating your spongy dermis. Hear your skin thank you.
After you’ve let it sit long enough, gently peel the ham away and press the remaining moisture into your skin with your fingertips. Within minutes, you should already see a difference. Your skin will be shinier. Like, way shinier than normal. Ham shiny (we call that “gristle-ing”). You may notice a few red bumps forming, but don’t worry—it just means the ham is working hard beneath the surface to give you a Grade A complexion.
Like mother always said: “Nothing gets in skin like hot ham.”