The New Yoga: Jogging Until You Find A Corpse
Yoga. Qigong. Scientology. Mindfulness-based fitness practices are a dime a dozen. Luckily, we’ve finally found the only one that works: Jogging until you find a corpse.
Jogging until you find a corpse is the best way to achieve balance on a spiritual, physical, and forensic level. Consistent practice will make jogging until you find a corpse the only meditation method you’ll ever need, and the only exercise you’ll ever want.
How Does It Work?
By harnessing the power of anticipatory fear, we’ve brought jogging back to its roots in the amygdala’s fight-or-flight response. Did you know that over two hundred years ago back in caveman times humans only ran when they had a good reason? We know—bizarre. But jogging until you find a corpse helps your lizard brain return to that feeling. Just keep running until you find death. Then run away from it. Just like our ancestors did. Consider this “paleo jogging.”
Where Can I Find a Corpse?
Finding a dead body isn’t as easy-peasy as Hollywood Elite™ Dick Wolf would have you believe. You can’t just take two steps into Central Park and trip over a mutilated co-ed. But that’s good, because if stumbling across a corpse was easy, everyone would be doing it (and everyone is not doing this workout yet, which is why it interests you). Run daily and with intent, and you’ll find one.
And the more you run, the better you’ll feel. Until you find that corpse. That won’t feel great, but you’ll never feel as alive as you do in that moment.
Will This Help Me Lose Weight?
Like any good fitness trend, we have no evidence to back up weight loss claims. But that won’t stop us from making them. So YES! It’s not like we’re sitting on a cushion in the Lotus position and humming. We’re moving!
The main challenge of starting a jogging-until-you-find-a-corpse routine is just getting out there and doing it. Taking the first step is the first step. Yama, the Hindu god of death, had amazing legs, and no one can prove it’s not from all the bodies.
Will This Help Me Achieve Enlightenment?
Yes. Only by becoming aware of death firsthand may you truly live. The key is focusing on your breath, because it will make seeing a cold, un-breathing cadaver that much more meaningful. Run until the sweat runs down your legs like the blood running down the legs of the body you found (and try not to disturb the crime scene).
What Do I Do When I Find A Body?
Stay present. The murderer could still be around, so run away really fast!
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