Noticing—and Correcting—Mouth Breathing. You Fucking Mouth Breather.
All right, listen up you snot-nosed punk: No non-virgin chin-sculpted chad would be caught dead mouth breathing, yet here we are. You’re not reading this because you’re a perfect beautiful little snowflake. You’re here because you don’t like yourself. But who would like a dirty, filthy mouth breather like you? It’s been statistically and scientifically shown (citation needed) that nose breathing offers numerous benefits to a better and healthier life, you fucking mouth breather. You’ll live much longer than your average mouth-breathing dill-hole and even get more sex, Butt-munch. So let’s do this, Dickweed, I’m gonna teach you how to not be a mouth-breathing Cakesniffer.
Step 1: Just don’t, man.
I shouldn’t have to say this—I shouldn’t have to write any of this—but the best way to “not” is to “don’t.” Never begin in the first place. Now, obviously some of you were born grody mouth breathers, and there’s only so much we can do about genetics. That doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for the rest of us, ya Noid. Put a paper bag over your head or something, ya Mouthie. We nose breathers don’t wanna know you even exist. Just don’t.
Step 2: At least fucking try or something, Dickweed.
No mouth breather in the history of everything has ever amounted to nothing. Theodore Roosevelt, Genghis Khan, Gandhi, the Buddha — all proud nose breathers, pal. Take a look at yourself. Not a pretty sight is it? You hate your mouth and your mouth hates you. Your stupid nose doesn’t even know what it’s still doing attached to your stupid face. You sure as hell aren’t using it.
Once you’ve identified yourself as the main problem, we can move forward. You need to stop thinking like a Mouthie. Disassociate yourself from all things mouth related. Don’t drink or eat anything for a few days, maybe, unless you’re nose-eating and nose-drinking, you fucking Mouthie. Just think about noses, try to see yourself as a nose, even dream about noses. Breathe noses. You’re not ready for nose enlightenment until you’ve fully committed yourself to the nose-breathing life.
Step 3: Take a deep breath—through your nose, of course—and let go.
Just breathe, Gumwad. Breathe through your stinkin’ nose. Y’know, here at Bunny Ears, we have a special locker just for shoving puke-for-brains individuals like you into. We call it “The Mouthie Locker,” and your name is on it. Think of all the hot sex, fast cars and slightly above minimum wage wealth you’ll have if you just do yourself a favor and breathe through that honker!
Step 4: Acceptance, or not. I don’t honestly care, butt-munch
At this point, you’ve gone above and beyond on your path to correcting mouth breathing and should be properly breathing through your nose after all of my kind and very reasonable advice—fucking mouthie. You shouldn’t even be thinking about mouths now, much less breathing through one. This is a new and enlightened life for you. Like evolving from fish to man, you have taken the next step in human evolution. And if you’re not quite there yet, then there’s still a Mouthie locker with plenty of room to shove pipsqueaks like you into.
Nose-breathe like the rest of us, or just bury yourself in the ground like radioactive waste, you fucking Mouthie.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…