How To Train Your Ricky ‘The Dragon’ Steamboat

So, you want to be a wrestling trainer, huh? Well, I hope you know you have a long road ahead of you. Nobody just waltzes on in to the whacky world of wrestling. It takes hard work and years of commitment. And look at you: You’re an absolute mess. Now take a look at my nephew, Gary—the one with all the girls cheering him on. Now look at yourself again. Now look at me. *Slaps You* Didn’t see that coming, did you? Very well, then. If you’re still interested, I suggest you take a gander at our lineup of starter wrestlers:

Great options, right? Unfortunately for you, they were all gobbled up by trainers who actually showed up on time. However, if you insist on going home with a wrestler, I suppose I do have one left. I just have to warn you—he’s extremely green and has zero mic skills. But if that doesn’t deter you, then may I present to you: Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat!

However, before you run off trying to challenge Macho Man, you’re going to want to address these training basics:

1. House (Show) Training

For starters, you’ll want to purchase dragon insurance for your home. Think about it: If your Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat can breathe fire, what do you think comes out of his other end? Make sure your Ricky knows to use the fireplace as a litter box, or you’ll be calling the fire department every time he toots.

2. Play Dead (Man Walking)

The ability to effectively play dead will prove vital in your Ricky’s career. In pro wrestling, playing dead is everything. In fact, it’s kind of the entire sport. I don’t know why we ever teach pets this, but for this situation, it makes perfect sense.

 3. Speak (Into the Microphone)

Getting a dog to bark is easy. Getting your Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat to remember his lines, face hard camera, and deliver a six-minute promo that will be both on-time and entertaining is an entirely different ballgame. Good luck!

4. Sit & Roll Over (& Get Over)

There’s a reason why The Undertaker refers to the WWE as his yard, or why Roman Reigns is known as “The Big Dog”™. It’s because respect is arbitrarily quantified in animal-kingdom terminology. When your Ricky is a rookie, he’ll learn that if a wrestling legend tells you to sit, roll over, and go fetch them a coffee, you damn well do it. Respect the business.

5. Stay (Loyal)

This command will prove to be most important of all when it comes time for your Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat to re-sign with a company that ultimately leaves him feeling empty on the inside and sad about his dreams. Some may say he’s crazy for staying, but it also takes a lot of moxie to leave. Love it or leave it!

Images: WWE