What You’d Shoplift From Lowe’s Based On Your Zodiac Sign

July 1, 2019 by , featured in Horoscopes
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You physically cannot resist the urge to walk into that mecca of all things brawny and reasonably priced. Something deep down inside you draws you to that one particular item … and you just can’t resist. That’s right: We’re officially here to tell you which item you’d shoplift from Lowe’s—based on your star sign.

Aquarius

Soil. To be fair, you’re only shoplifting this item so that you may recoil in a shallow grave you dig for yourself. No one will bother you then.

Pisces

A can opener. You’re a creative, unwieldy water sign, and we honestly don’t know what draws you to this item. But we do know that you’ll definitely steal it.

 Aries

A Tiki garden statue. You were a party god back in your college days, so casual cultural appropriation comes naturally to you. So does stealing, apparently, because you won’t feel even a little guilty when you shove this in your tote bag and run.

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Taurus

A doorbell. You’re a prankster who lives for the thrill, and nothing represents that better than stealing the very item one uses to ding dong ditch. It’s also why you stole that jet ski.

Gemini

A fake plant. You’ll shoplift a fake plant because, let’s face it, you’re a fake son of a bitch.

Cancer

A children’s castle tent. Cancers are both nostalgic and emotional creatures—and a children’s tent is thus the perfect place to catch up on your crying.

Leo

A mirror. You love admiring yourself, Leo (and your phone is out of storage because of all the selfies). Thus, you’d steal a mirror … aka the poor man’s selfie.

Virgo

A mailbox. You are one isolated, lonely, loser Virgo. You’ll steal a shiny new mailbox in the hopes it will encourage someone to write you a letter.

Libra

A hot dog toaster. There’s only one thing for you at Lowe’s, Libra, and that’s this hot dog toaster (don’t ask us why. We don’t make the rules).

Scorpio

Lowe’s Brand LED Lights. You’re one sensual dude, Scorpio. And you can’t resist those Lowes Brand LED lights that change color in sync with music. Have fun banging to Ginuwine’s “Pony” under these babies!

Sagittarius

A clock: You’re a wild card, Sagittarius. In fact, you’re going to snatch up that decorative clock just to smash it later, because time is a man-made concept that can’t hold you back. Take THAT Einstein!

Capricorn

Quick-setting cement. You don’t actually want to know what you’re gonna need this for. Trust us.

Images: Mike Mozart, Flickr/ Lowe’s


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2 Comments

  1. Are there editors here? Sorry, you probably don’t understand that. Are their editors here?

  2. I didn’t even know Lowe’s had children’s bouncy castle tents, nor that it was my destiny to steal one, but man – if I did steal something from a Lowe’s, it would TOTALLY be one of those!

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