America Has Become A Banana Republic, In That The Khakis They Sell Don’t Fit Me

August 16, 2019 by , featured in Upscale Culture
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I’m not a political person. I don’t follow the issues or read the news or vote. It’s just not my thing. But when something important happens, something that affects me and my family, I have no choice but to make my voice heard. And based on some headlines I liked on Facebook, I think I’ve picked up on a disturbing trend. The President of the United States, the most powerful man in the world, is apparently turning our country into some sort of Banana Republic. A Banana Republic! As someone who has never, not once, not even when I was younger, found a pair of pants that fit there, I’m praying we can stop this before it’s too late. 

In headline after headline, folks on my feed have been sounding the alarm. “Is America Becoming Trump’s Banana Republic?” “Trump Wants to Run the U.S. like a Banana Republic.” “Trump Turns America Into A Banana Republic.” I don’t need to read the articles to know what the president is up to, and I don’t like it. Not when my weird, pear-shaped body makes shopping at their stores all but impossible. We need to do something! 

Whether it’s jeans, cargo shorts, or my beloved khakis, America has increasingly left me pantless and pathetic, screaming for righteous justice in an endless stream of depressing dressing rooms. Well excuse me if I’m shaped like an anvil on two toothpicks. Does that mean I’m not an American? No sir. It does not.  

So, Mr. President, I Ask What’s Next?

Replace the armed services with Uniqlo? How about we run social security out of an Urban Outfitters? Sounds foolish, doesn’t it? And yet you’re all about transforming America into some slim fit Gap knockoff, while us real Americans have to special order our pants from a company that specialize in weird bodies. So who’s the fool now?  

I may not be the most informed person, but I know what’s coming. A day when people like me won’t even be able to wear pants. That’s not the America I know and love, and it’s not the America I plan to leave my oddly-shaped children. So consider yourself warned, Mr. President. If I voted, it would not be for you. 

Images: Unsplash

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