Hi, I’m Craig The Intern, and they make me transcribe these every week. Everything’s going great so far! I can’t always keep up with all the different topics the guys talk about, but this week, that’s intentional, I think. Because they keep changing their minds what the episode’s theme is!
The Guest: BunnyEars.com editor Shawn DePasquale. (Again.)
Stewart P. Miller is back from the Highland Games with a cold, and, it makes him sound like Luke Perry. Unexpected sick bonus! Except it’s not really Stew! It’s Shawn DePasquale, for a very special themed episode. That nobody knows the theme of yet. Should it be “fighting”?
Matt says he has never been punched or thrown a punch in his entire life. Shawn was in a fight in his early teens with three neighbor kids, ending with him kicking one of them in the face with his roller skate. Mack has had to push someone down the stairs before, when he switched schools at the height of his fame. They discuss the differences between fighting a big tough guy and a little crazy dude. Matt’s childhood was mostly free of fighting because parental lawsuits were a big deterrent, but he called the cops once on a guy who held a knife to him…now a born-again Christian who tried to be Facebook friends.
Mack recalls some over-zealous friends fighting on his behalf, which turns into a conversation about whether you’d fight a wizard, and under what circumstances. What if he were in a wheelchair?
Wheelchairs lead to Murderball, and that leads to a subject change into sports. Specifically, little league memories, and Matt not realizing he had to run after hitting the ball. Shawn doesn’t like sports but sure can throw a lighter. Matt played every sport and quit every one, though he stuck with football for three years. He educates probably most of us on lacrosse rules, because who plays lacrosse? (Answer: WASPs on Long Island). Shawn turns it into dick jokes, which is why he is editor-in-chief.
Spray-painting your lacrosse stick makes it heavier, and tagging your backpack or guitar is usually a bad idea.
Mack recalls playing basketball in school, and Matt tries to see how little Shawn knows about football. He knows hockey better, as his dad was an off-ice official for the NHL. Is pro-wrestling a sport? They duck the question a bit. Boxing? Shawn liked Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. The state of boxing is discussed, and it seems like MMA might be taking its place in the popular consciousness.
MMA segues into hair as a topic, and we learn Matt started losing his hair at age 21. Never wanting to look balding, he starting shaving it all right away. Now he feels more confident the less hair that he has. Mack offers $2000 if Matt will shave just the sides but not the top for three months, just to see if any wisps grow. He may not wear a hat. Mack discusses Andre Agassi’s wig, and inevitably talk turns to manscaping and hair on your junk. As most conversations in all-male groups inevitably do.
“My junk looks NICE” – Macaulay Culkin.
Matt has back hair. Shawn does not. Grooming talk ensues, with ear hairs and nose hairs and ingrown involved. Then hats – Matt has earned that people consider it false advertising because nobody realizes you’re bald while you have one on. His favorite thing about making friends with Stew (also bald) is that they both look like Mack’s bodyguards. Mack apparently sucks at picking bodyguards. But Matt wears a fedora to the Ren Faire. (I don’t know why I just made those two things sound in any way comparable.) Mack says he can pull of a bowler hat look, as Matt laments that many of his no longer work.
Cloning is the next topic. Would you want to be cloned? And why wouldn’t you just have a kid instead? Is sex with your clone masturbation? What if it’s an identical twin instead? This is a whole disturbing kettle of fish. But what about uploading your mind to the cloud? And what would that actually be like? Black Mirror has probably explained it.
Shawn changes the subject to memory issues, and whether it’s age or weed that takes some of it away. Or ADD. Shawn has to use external tricks, but I’ve already forgotten what they are (/memoryjokes).
Final subject: anatomy. Or toys. Yep. Toys. Mack is big into 3-3/4 inch Marvel Universe figures, which are the kind of toys he always wanted more of as a kid, and now he can afford all of them. As well as the toy cars he buys at his local drugstore, which began as a spontaneous purchase and snowballed into an every-visit kind of habit. Sometimes he races them or gives them away or repaints them. Shawn thinks they should do a Top Gear-type show with them. They discuss favorite stuffed toys, the trauma of Shawn’s mom throwing away his favorite blue Muppet for smelling weird, and the time he nearly did the voice of a talking teddy bear as a kid.
Matt has all the Pagemaster toys. Mack says most toys of him weren’t cool, but drawstring-powered, and he reveals the weirdest branding moment of his life. He’d be down to be in a video game again.
They close by teasing an upcoming new show on Bunny Ears which will feature Shawn more heavily.
7:57 Mack’s pushing-a-kid-down-the-stairs story.
23:35 What an off-ice official does in the NHL
31:23 The $2000 wisps o’ hair challenge.
47:10 The big debate about sex with your clone.
-Here’s the Seinfeld scene they’re talking about in which George wears a stylish hat so nobody knows he’s bald:
-Here’s what the Pagemaster video game looked like:
-And this is the pull-string Home Alone plush toy in action:
Contact the Guest!
Shawn DePasquale: @ShawnWrites on Twitter.
Contact The Guys!