Flowy Dresses That'll Make Wind Go, "Me Wanna See What's Under There!"
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Flowy Dresses That’ll Make Wind Go, ‘Whoosh! Me Wanna See What’s Under There!’

flowy dresses

Nothing makes you feel more like a carefree woman with a bottomless bank account than a summer’s breeze brushing expensive fabric onto your freshly-waxed labia. But did you know that sometimes that laissez-faire sensual freedom can attract unwanted sexual attention? No, we’re not just talking about men—we mean something even more powerful. The weather! The below looks are so flirtatiously feminine that they’ll literally make the sky blast gusts of wind up your skirt like the top dog on your neighborhood’s predator watchlist.

White Floral Lace-Up Maxi Dress, $70, LuLu’s

Thar she flows! You’ll blend right into the botanical gardens you’re walking through in this Earth Mother getup. As you stroll through the sumptuous elephant ear leaves of the taro root, grazing your fingertips on their precious blooms, don’t be surprised if a huge gust of wind reveals the personal garden you’ve been maintaining. You just look too good to not get sexually harassed by things that don’t even have a face.

 

 

Sea You There Mini Dress, $78, Free People

Look like the prettiest cloud in this whispy mini from Free People, a brand that truly knows how to convey, “I love nature so much I wanna give it a boner.” With its lightweight material and wide-cut silhouette, this dress is a creepy windstorm waiting to happen. It’s perfect for a fun day spent sand-duning or getting lost and dehydrated in the desert, but be prepared to get some sand up there because the wind just won’t be able to help itself.

 

Lilly Pulitzer Ruffled Chiffon Dress, $178, Nordstrom

Ah-wooga! This bright Lilly Pulitzer chiffon situation is sure to bring out the inner sexual predator in this season’s weather patterns. It has the power to turn any man into putty in your hands, and also to make the wind become an F5 tornado. Better have FEMA’s number on hand, because your town is about to need some disaster relief from the damage you’re about to inflict. Just don’t forget to wear your cute panties, because some sneaky-peeks are a’comin!

 

Ashley Rowe Wavy Short Dark Denim Dress, $170, Need Supply Co.

What we love most about this intentionally uneven dress is that it already looks like its endured a windstorm. And while it’s already hard to move modestly in this one, it’ll be even harder when you cause a hurricane. That’s right—wind AND rain. Rain is the sky’s cum and boy did you make him finish, sister!

We hope the above looks inspire you to be your best self while the literal wind attempts to violate you and your privacy. And remember: It’s best to handle the voyeurism of even the slightest of breezes like we would any unwanted attention from a man: Kick it in the dick.

Featured Image: Iso Republic

Courtney Paige Barnett
Courtney Paige Barnett

Courtney Paige Barnett writes and performs sketch comedy in Los Angeles in between complaining about her mom on Twitter.

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