Holiday Dating Hack: Just Fuck Your Cousins?

Snow is flurrying, seasonal greetings are in the air, and romance is all around. Other people, of course. Not so much around you, and while we at Bunny Ears support the spiritual choice to remain single (or a “the bride of the universe,” as we like to call it), we both know that solitude does not sit well with your boning bits.

We know you’ve tried it all: online dating, speed dating, hanging out awkwardly by the open bar at the office party. But we guarantee there’s a simple solution to your eternal solitude, and it’s one you’ve probably never even considered. That’s why this holiday season, we want you to fear nothing, take the plunge, and just go ahead and fuck your cousins.

We know, we know. There’s a lot of shame and chinlessness down the historical path of incest, but honestly, can we really abide by those rules in the 21st century? The stuffy old “don’t fuck your cousin” strictures were made before birth control and Internet scams existed. You don’t expect visitors to give your butler a calling card before coming over to watch football, right? Of course not! That’s totally outdated! We can’t let the outdated standards of a society rule us, especially with regards to humping.

Also, ignoring everything I just said about outdated societies, royalty married their cousins for literally hundreds of years, and they still got to be kings and queens! Sure, they eventually had issues with mental instability and a tendency to end up dead in revolutions, but not until, like, the fifth generation. If you’re the first ones to creep up a branch of the family tree in a while, no worries! Fucking your cousins is royalty-approved. Who can argue with that?

There are just too many variables involved in the conventional routes of finding a nookie partner. Careers pull us in different directions, financial burdens create instability, and everyone lies on the Internet constantly. You don’t want to invest a lot of time and effort only to find out you’re attracted to someone who is never in the same place you are, commits tax fraud, or fucks penguins.

But with your cousins, heck, you already know where you both spend your holidays. You know exactly how tall they are and what kind of gifts they give. You probably got naked in a kiddie pool together at some point, so you know if something weird is happening down there.

Look, we know it may be difficult to get over your weird hangups about fucking your cousins. Societal rules are ground into us since childhood, bathing us in shame and repressed sexual expression. When you think about it, it’s probably your mom’s fault. If you’d been raised to be a happy, fulfilled adult, would you be reading an article about fucking your cousins right now?

That’s why, while we know it isn’t an ideal solution, we encourage you to try this holiday dating hack, if not to end the sex drought that’s been plaguing you since you got dumped on February 13th, then at least to punish your mother. If nothing else, we’re sure that bitch deserves it. Happy holidays!

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