Oh God, Our New Food Critic Is A Dog
So it has come to this. The head of this website/our boss, Macaulay Culkin, found this dog, and nobody knows how. He just says it “came to him in a dream,” even when we clarify that we mean, like, physically, where did the dog come from? Is it a stray? Did he get it from a shelter? Did he steal someone’s pet? These are all equally plausible possibilities, but what’s important is that Mack has proclaimed this dog the official Bunny Ears food critic, and we all just have to deal with it.
I’m Not Speciest, But …
Dogs just don’t make good food critics. I’m sorry, but they don’t. All the best things you can put in your mouth—chocolate, garlic, onions—dogs can’t eat. Do you know what they do eat? Literal garbage. And now, that’s what we eat, because Mack says we can only eat foods that the official Bunny Ears food critic has approved. Before we can eat something, we must present it to the food critic, who will then sniff it and either look away or wag his tail. Depending on his response, Mack shouts “APPROVED” or “DENIED.” We’ve wasted so much food.
Well, I guess we don’t really waste the food, because once it’s sat in the garbage can for a few days, it’s back on the table. I mean that disgustingly literally. When the food critic starts excitedly digging through the garbage, Mack joyfully dumps it out onto the break room table and announces an office party. I can’t tell if he truly doesn’t understand why we don’t appreciate this “catered lunch.”
Also, We’re Sorry For All The Recent Terrible Food Recs
We have to recommend the food critic’s picks, upon Mack’s orders. This week, I’ve been assigned “this season’s hottest dried meats.” I guess it could be worse. Last week, it was gourmet diapers. Where did we even get a baby? We have not received a satisfying answer to that question, either.
Honestly, I shouldn’t even be telling you this. The food critic is, ironically, very sensitive to any criticism. We’ve tried to trick him into wagging his tail for our poke bowls and avocado toast, but it’s like he can sense our agenda and he doesn’t appreciate being patronized. He didn’t let us eat anything for a week. He’s terrifying.
Please bear with us during this time of transition. And just between us, do not eat anything we recommend. If you insist, at least have a Bunny Ears–approved physician on call. You probably have several enteroviruses.