An Official Bunny Ears Apology For Those Escaped Raccoon Dogs
You might have seen the recent reports about a pair of escaped raccoon dogs terrorizing the English village of Clarborough. Witnesses claim they saw the raccoon dogs leaving our U.K. facility. Our bad. So we’d now officially like to take this opportunity to apologize for the inconvenience. We’d also like to deny any and all accusations that we were attempting to breed the next new trendy pet.
But if we were, could you blame us?
Who wouldn’t want the cuteness of a raccoon combined the domesticity of a dog? Also, just because a couple of screaming canine-procyonid monstrosities were seen wandering out the backdoor of our England office doesn’t mean anything questionable was going on. Maybe they just wandered in, too. Did you ever think of that? We’re not saying that’s what happened, but if some fluffy abominations of unknown origin just happened to show up on our doorstep one day, we’d certainly find it in our hearts to rescue them.
Of course, they’d require a lot of training and analysis before we could reveal them to the outside world, and we may or may not have hired animal behaviorists who specialize in exotic hybrids for that very reason. But we’d only do that after the raccoon dogs showed up. Not a moment before.
We promise, if we were given enough time to properly train the escaped raccoon dogs (which again, we in no way created ourselves), you would have loved the shit out of them.
Because who wouldn’t want a raccoon you can dress up in little outfits and take out for walks? Those people are the monsters, not our little buddies. Sure, they don’t have cute little people hands, but we were working on that. (As in, we were training them to use their little paws like hands. We definitely were not in the process of isolating the people-hand gene.)
So goodbye, escaped raccoon dogs. We would happily continue our training program if the police would return you to us, but sadly, we have been denied. In fact, we’re being investigated for charges that local authorities aren’t even yet sure how to classify. However, we’re confident that justice will prevail. In the meantime, we must say goodbye to our mysterious fur babies. Though our journeys have taken us on separate paths, we will always cherish our totally ethical time together.
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