I Pierced My Clit To Enhance My Sex Life And All It’s Gotten Me Is Months of Explaining That To People

August 31, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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I remember hearing from one of my sluttier friends that piercing your clit makes your orgasms better and basically feels like you’re always a little lady hard. Heck yes, I thought! Once I have the time to let one of this baby properly heal, like when I’m unemployed and can just lay around with my vag airing out, I’ll totally get one!

The buzzkill is that once I prepared my body for the waterfall of sexual pleasures it’s able to experience, those horny doors of attraction suddenly stopped getting knocked on! Now, instead of feeling the optimal level of arousal every time a guy takes me to bone zone, it’s either me and my $500 vibrator or having to get off on telling people my clit is pierced once we get into random secret sharing time after too many glasses of wine.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!

I’m literally throwing the openness of my libido into the universe and suddenly no astronauts care about venturing to my black hole?! That was a penis and vagina analogy, by the way! I have so much time to come up with fun comparisons like that so I can occupy mind when it’s not screaming the sounds of orgasms.

So, I called up my friend sluttier friend Chantelle. Her clit’s pierced, but the difference is Chantelle is in a 5-year-long open relationship so she’s bound to always have someone poundin’ away down there, be it her primary boyfriend or someone new she’s rotating to. I even asked her if she could throw me some of her boy toys, but oddly enough, for someone who’s into polyamory, she doesn’t like sharing her own sexual partners. Um, rude! She’s an only child.

Then I called the guy from Radioactive Tattoo who pierced my fun bean. He said asking him about why I’m not getting laid is inappropriate. Weird, ‘cause I thought tattoo artists and piercers were edgier than that. So then I asked him if he wanted to do it. Worth a shot since he already knew what it looked like down there, ya know? Like, the hardest part is over with. He told me he doesn’t fuck his artwork. That was such a hot thing to say it made me even hornier. Dammit!

My last resort was my ex-boyfriends. Darren, who’s a doctor, was very concerned for the cleanliness and potentially ripping it out and I had to keep telling him, “NO, IT ENHANCES SEX!” Not like he can even fuck hard enough to rip anything out of me, but I’m desperate at this point. Then I called Chris, who’s going through a divorce. He just started crying because his soon-to-be ex-wife has her clit pierced and it just made him think of her all over again!

I don’t know. Maybe the problem is that I spent $80 on a piercing in my downstairs that people can’t even see instead of doing something more productive for my appearance like getting my hair done or custom making a tee shirt that says, “Down to Fuck.” That would attract people.

I think the only logical next step is to see if I can trade it in for a nipple piercing. Like, just have ‘em take the clit ring out and move it right to be the nipple. I’ll probably just have the one, though, since I can’t afford a second and then just be braless in air-conditioned rooms until some hot guy notices and asks, “Excuse me, is that single nipple pierced? You seem like a sexually adventurous girl. Care to smash?”

Until then I’ll keep flashing this sweet little metal to anyone who cares because it has a Swarovski crystal on the end and someone’s gotta appreciate it!


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