Why Doesn’t Your Baby Give A Damn About The Suffering Of Polar Bears?
News flash: The Earth is dying, people. It’s going belly up, one melting ice cap and disgusting plastic straw at a time. And even worse, no one seems to be talking about a major demographic of climate deniers: babies. That’s right. It’s time to call out all babies for not giving a damn about global warming and the suffering of polar bears.
Shame on Them
Honestly, how do babies not think about those starving little polar bear cubs every time they throw up their factory-farmed food? Or when they soil yet another nappy? Oh sure, your baby’s probably saying, “My nappies are reusable, snowflake.” Really, baby? So you’ve actually calculated the carbon footprint of your diaper? Don’t look at me with those cute baby eyes! Have you actually been to the factory that makes those diapers? Do you even know how much water it takes to clean your revolting reusable nappy? No, I’m not making you another bottle. Sip on your spit like the rest of us!
But Is It Our Fault?
Naturally, we blame ourselves. Should we have made our infants take a pop quiz after teaching them about greenhouse gasses? Should we have had them sleep and poop in a compost bin? No, don’t do that. Don’t take on the faults of your baby. Babies need to take responsibility for their apathetic—and frankly, gross—behavior.
Force-Feed Your Baby Some Empathy
So go on and show your baby another video of a dying polar bear. Be strong, and do not fall for your little one’s innocent façade and “cries of fear.” Show them another video, and another, until their eyes glaze over with the sadness of a thousand dying bear cubs. It’s the only way to save our planet.