Every Person at Your Friendsgiving, Ranked
Thanksgiving is upon us, and for many of us “holiday orphans,” it means get-togethers with friends to eat, drink, and fend off mutual loneliness. However, let’s face it: Many of your guests are just as annoying as your actual family. Here are all the assholes coming to your Friendsgiving, ranked from the least to the most insufferable.
9. Lauren’s Try-Hard New Boyfriend
His name is Tim or Ted, we think. He seems nice, but he’s gotta relax. It’s like, “Lauren’s dating you, so we already think you’re good, guy.” No need to impress. I mean, bringing two bottles of expensive port wine was a nice gesture, but way too much.
8. The “Unique Recipe” Girl
We’re glad she loves her new Instant Pot, but we were expecting mashed potatoes, green beans, or other traditional Thanksgiving food. Is this … Brussels sprout lasagna? She said she’d bring stuffing. Spinach pizza couscous casserole isn’t stuffing. Now there’s no stuffing.
7. The Hook-Up Hopeful
Thanksgiving season is also cuffing season, so many of your single friends are likely looking to snag a date. Someone will probably say something about “stuffing more than a turkey today” and maybe even try to fuck on the bed that has all our winter coats on it. Sadly, anyone who does so will be too bloated from dinner to make anyone cum.
6. The “Did You Invite Him?” Guy
Seriously, who is he? I don’t know him. You don’t know him. No one we know knows him. The host doesn’t seem to know, either. He seems harmless and friendly, but watch your drink. And your wallet.
5. The Friends Who Brought the Baby
Thanksgiving is a time for family. Friendsgiving is a time for friends. No one knows this baby. This baby isn’t our friend. Plus, it kind of puts the kibosh on our planned post-dinner booze blitz.
4. Your Aunt
Not an actual aunt, just a person at Friendsgiving who acts like a stereotypical aunt. They force napkins upon us like we aren’t adults, show us pictures of their cats, and make the vibe feel distinctly less chill.
3. The Post-Dinner Booze Thief
This jerk took all the leftover alcohol home with him while we were all in a post-dinner haze. Thanksgiving is for sharing, dick.
2. The Dude Who Brought Chips
We all agreed to bring a dish, yet this asshole just bought two bags of chips at the grocery store on the way to dinner. And it’s always Lays. Regular-ass Lays. Fuck you, Gary.
1. The Guy Who Brought Settlers of Catan
No one wants this, not even on a regular board game night. Put the tiles back in the box. We’re too full, tired, and/or disinterested to barter over wood. Besides, colonizing other people’s lands and taking resources from our neighbors is not what Thanksgiving is about.