The Best Movies Of 2019 We Never Saw Because Caleb’s Babysitter Quit
This was a great year for movies! Or so we’ve heard. Unfortunately, as parents of a terrible two-year-old, we didn’t get to see any because Caleb’s regular babysitter quit and we haven’t been able to find a replacement yet. However, we did watch a lot of trailers for movies between episodes of Paw Patrol and heard good things from friends. So without further ado, here’s a list of what we guess were the best movies of 2019.
We really wanted to see this one. I loved Superbad and we both want to support female-led movies, but my mother-in-law canceled last minute. I’m told it’s more than just “Superbad with girls,” but I’m just going by the advertising so please don’t get mad if I’m wrong. Caleb’s nightly yelling and screaming before bedtime is enough.
7. Avengers: Endgame
I know that we might have been able to take Caleb to this one but “Raisin Head” (Thanos) scares him and we don’t want him to be afraid of the only goddamn fruit he’ll eat. Plus, we can’t find a three-hour window that works. It’s okay though. Robert Downey Jr. (my fave!) shows up in every installment, so I’ll catch the next one.
6. Hobbs & Shaw
I heard this one is just The Rock and Jason Statham being The Rock and Jason Statham, which is fine by me. The trailers looked awesome and I was going to go with the guys, but Caleb got sick and was puking everywhere. Listen, I know it’s gross to read this, but I had to live it so give me a break.
God, we loved Get Out, but that was before Caleb was born and we were free. Man, two years goes by fast. I just hope the next 16 are just as quick. Maybe we’ll see it when he’s in bed. If he’ll ever fucking stay asleep.
I heard Joaquin Phoenix did a good job but Caleb is acting out during his potty training so everything kind of revolves around that right now. Could you at least tell us who played Batman?
3. Jojo Rabbit
Oh, the title sounds fun and child-friendly. Taika Waititi is pretty whimsical, too. Maybe we can take Caleb—oh, Hitler? Nevermind.
2. John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum
I heard this movie is incredible, visceral, and amazing, and sometimes I just want to grab Caleb and shake—you know what? No. I can’t let that little bastard win.
Honestly I have no idea any more. Will you take him? Please. Please just for an hour. We’ll do anything. Please. I’m living in hell.