6 Ways The Moon Is Going To Bully The Shit Out Of You This Year

Retrogrades, transits, and sleeping with your most recent ex are some of the many ways that the evil bitch Moon is going to make your life a living hell this year. Let’s look at your lunar forecast for 2019, shall we?

Moon Square Mars

Heads up: You’re going to have your next period for an entire month. It just won’t stop. The lunar cycle will come in like a big bloody lion and go out like a lamb soaked in blood. This is what you get for posting unflattering pics of the Moon every time you’re drunk.

Eleventh House Eclipse

The 11th House rules platonic relationships and social interactions. So this spring the Moon is going to take your friendships and sabotage that shit. Hard. In particular, the Moon will eclipse you during group conversations. Every time you try to add a comment or related anecdote she’ll start talking really loudly about something that’s less relevant than the thing you were going to say. And then when you finally do get to add something to the conversation, the Moon is just gonna be like, “….okayyy” like you said something weird. But you totally didn’t. This is known as “queen bee” bullying and it is NOT okay and it is also NOT AVOIDABLE.

Group Dysfunction

You and the Moon are not going to have a great time in groups this year. Around the Autumnal Equinox the Moon will start a group chat with your friends and leave you out in order to subtly begin turning them against you. The Moon knows all your secrets so she will spill them like the nosy pie-faced bitch she is.

Subtle Betrayal

The Moon is a loner and wants you to be as well. For the entire month of October she’ll be projecting your deepest fears onto buildings like a brighter, meaner Jenny Holzer. When you emerge from your home, don’t be surprised when the lunar rays shine “I WORRY THAT MY PUSSY LOOKS WEIRD AND MY EXES TALK ABOUT IT TOGETHER” onto the apartment building across the street. No one will know it’s your thought except you…but that fear, like the Moon, will follow you the whole night. Hope you have a good therapist.

Entrapment

In December, the Moon comes directly into your second house of wealth accumulation. At first, this will seem like a harmonious pairing, like things are finally getting back on track between you and the Moon. Maybe she got bored and moved on to bullying someone else. Maybe she’ll invite you to help bully that person. Bullying is like group sex: better in groups. But beware: The Moon engaged with you because she signed you up as a franchisee for some weird fucking skin cream. And the thing with multi-level marketing is you can’t quit and you can’t get your money back and you need to sign up 32 people to meet your quotas.

Slightly related: Here’s a quick peek into your lunar 2020: You’re going to file for bankruptcy.

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