Here’s What Registered Dietitians Eat When We Forced Them
Here at Bunny Ears, the health of our employees is our number-six priority, so we hired an office dietitian to help our employees make healthy choices. That was kind of a drag, though, so then we just made him eat all of the stuff that we already like so we can pretend that it’s healthy.
Today, our intern, Craig, brought in doughnuts. I had four of them. Four doughnuts for breakfast sounds like a lot, right? Don’t worry. I checked with our registered dietitian first, and when he said it absolutely was not healthy, I made him eat five.
Our dietitian’s name is Dusk. He advocates a gluten-free, vegan diet. We advocate that he shut up and eat the doughnuts, Dusk. We said five doughnuts. Don’t even think about trying to sneak doughnuts under the table to one of our many office dogs. If we can’t say a registered dietitian ate it, then it doesn’t count.
We couldn’t be happier with the results we are getting from our dietitian. He helps us feel so good about the choices we make. For instance, at lunch today, we thought we might order a bunch of pizzas, but Shawn said that he thought doughnuts for breakfast and pizza for lunch sounded like a lot of carbs and asked Dusk what he thought. Our H.R. representative stood behind Shawn, Dusk’s employment contract in one hand and a lighter in the other. Dusk nodded slowly and tied a symbolic white napkin around his neck.
Work-life balance is so important to us at Bunny Ears that we usually never eat dinner at the office. However, today there was a meditation emergency, so we all had to burn the midnight incense. Luckily, we had Dusk on hand to tell us how to optimize our food intake for the longer schedule. With Dusk’s help, we were able to finely calibrate our bodies to maintain maximum efficiency throughout the long work evening. We had Popeye’s chicken delivered.
A few energy drinks that are still awaiting FDA approval in the United States kept us moving, and when we started to crash, Dusk recommended a sunflower butter protein shake. We laughed in his face and ate a whole bunch of popsicles instead.
At this point, the energy in the Bunny Ears offices was honestly pretty lit. Some of us hadn’t eaten sugar in years because registered dietitians had always told us it was unhealthy. Now that we were able to unlock our true potential through Dusk’s methods, we were feeling pretty freakin’ great. I felt so great that I set my desk on fire, put on a bear mask, and declared myself an unkillable God.
It turns out that, at the end of the day, Dusk’s expertise didn’t mesh well with our team. We just couldn’t handle the extreme collateral damage that comes with healthy eating. The entire team suffered from tummy aches, and Dusk went into what doctors are calling the first recorded actual food coma. Also, a small portion of our building was damaged in a mysterious fire.
We will always cherish our time with Dusk. All that he wanted was to spread his healthy eating tips to the public. Please follow his example and live a healthy life by eating all of the things we forced him to.
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