Six Spring Divorce Court Looks Guaranteed To Give Him Full Custody
If there’s anything we care more about than fashion here at Bunny Ears, it’s a woman’s right to choose. While it may be too late to terminate these particular pregnancies, it’s not too late to foist your children off on their father so you are free to pursue your dreams! They were only meant to be a status symbol in the first place, so if the nanny isn’t sticking around to raise them, neither are you, sister! To ensure that custody is awarded solely to your ex-husband, pick a style from our Spring Divorce Court Collection. We promise you’ll never be trusted to be alone with your kids again.
The Doomsday Prepper
The fundamental component to this look is camo. We’re talking full military camouflage from head to toe, including ballistics helmet. In your purse, you will need to have and find a reason to display all of the following items: 20 cans of food, two flashlights, several packs of AA batteries, first-aid kit, snake bite kit, emergency flare, tent, sleeping bag, fire blanket, five gallons of water, copy of Mein Kampf, hunting knife, spare tire and tire jack, $500 in cash, the Bible, framed picture of your weapon stockpile with lipstick kiss, framed picture of Timothy McVeigh with lipstick kiss. None of these items can be left out or substituted. Are you serious about never seeing your kids again or not?
Tease those bangs, get a giant white scrunchie, a plain white tee, some big ’90s wire-frame glasses, and a pair of mom jeans, and you’ll be sure to conjure up the image of convicted child killer Susan Smith, who drove her kids into a lake. Bring a back up white t-shirt that says “I’m Susan Smith” in case they’re not getting the connection. Be sure to mention that your brakes are on the fritz, you’re feeling really overwhelmed these days, and you’re really looking forward to taking your kids straight to the lake as soon as you leave here.
Painted Statue Mime
You’ll be sure to dazzle the court with this elegant monochrome gown, a wry nod to your (now heavily regretted) wedding day. By refusing to speak or move, you’re guaranteed to waive all your parental rights on the spot.
Pennywise The Clown
No one trusts a clown. Plus, it’s another thinly veiled reference to your desire to drown your children. This look definitely floats!
If you nail this look, you’re guaranteed to be separated from your children. It’s the law! Borrow an outfit from someone less fortunate than you, throw on a straw hat, and walk right up to that bench to beg the judge for asylum. If you really want to take it all the way, we would never recommend using makeup to darken your skin under normal circumstances, but you’re desperate here. Even if they don’t buy the asylum-seeking angle, the divorce court will hopefully find you racist and unfit for motherhood and probably a lot of other jobs.
This one is bound to turn some heads. A frilly babydoll-style dress, an adult diaper, and a pacifier complete the look. Hire a friend to play your lover and wheel you into divorce court in a giant stroller. If you don’t have time to have one custom-made, a shopping cart will do. Claim that your demanding lifestyle as the baby in a couple deeply involved in the A.B.D.L. (adult baby diaper lover) community simply leaves you no time for the responsibilities of being a mom. Besides, how can you be expected to care for a child when you’re only a child yourself? To prove your point, make a big mess in your diaper.