How To Repurpose Your Sex Toys For Tasteful Holiday Décor
You’ve worked tirelessly to make your home a reflection of you: A person deeply invested in sexual satisfaction and the kink lifestyle. But alas, ‘tis the season, and that means sexually repressed friends and family are coming home to cramp your style. And while you might think you don’t have enough time to hide all your sex toys, a solution is hanging, teasing, and thrumming all around you! See below for creative ways to repurpose your sex toys into tasteful holiday decor.
1. Weave Your Anal Beads into Garland
Are those your backdoor puppet strings, or just a lovely length of festive beads? They’ll never know! We recommend weaving the beads into fragrant garlands, like spruce or white pine, as the fresh natural musk will blend nicely with any hints of butt residue.
2. Mount Your Tree on the Suspended Bondage Hooks
Elevate your holiday spirit by suspending your Christmas tree from hooks several feet above the floor. Not only will it make vacuuming up those stray pine needles a breeze, but most people will have zero idea that a 200 lb gimp was hanging in that very spot, screaming in pleasure-pain, a mere hours before.
3. Use Suction-Cupped Dildos to Hang Things
[irp]Who has time to go nailing hooks into walls? If it needs to hang on a vertical surface, a suction-cupped dildo will do the job just as well (and we both know you’ve got plenty of those lying around!). Use them for hanging wreaths, stockings, and more! Just make sure you don’t hang anything too heavy—you don’t want your floor covered in dildos again.
4. Hide Your Ben-Wa Balls in the Mistletoe
It’s the perfect holiday icebreaker! Not only will the fragrant sprigs hide your secret shame, the mistletoe’s forced intimacy makes for a great way to introduce your kinks to a prospective new partner. And if you don’t have time to carefully hide them, remember: They can always just go in your butt.
Merry Christmas, everyone!