“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts

Rejoice, my sweet followers! While the Church Of False-Vestigially regularly discovers many a miracle that we share in our weekly digital newsletter (purchase your subscription at one of my many web pages), there rarely comes such a powerful gift as what I’ve been bestowed so recently. It happened last Fourth of July as I was …

Near death experiences are real, my children. I know this because I have died once a week for the last three years. I stop my heart using only my willpower as a skilled guru and also a 24-volt customized truck battery, with the following practice: Step One: Perform the Kurmasana pose in a shallow prayer …

I’m not oblivious. I know it’s not always easy for my oceanic disciples to follow every single lesson laid out in my expansive collection of self-help literature/chant books/diet charts/underwater ashram chore schedules. We aren’t all millionaires — which is why I will never charge a flat fee for my guidance into the vestigial temple of …

Millennials are reportedly the least likely generation to consider themselves religious. And as the proud leader of my own legally-defined church, I find it greatly disheartening that this new generation appears to worship their Beyoncés and Andrew Garfields over the one true God. And considering the oppression my divine faith has received from the so-called …

When early ape arose from the shore of our great ocean womb, no longer could we protect our monkey eggs from the harshness of a dry environment. It was then that our vestigial tail bud tissue formed the pulpy genitalia we so cherish today. For snakes, this process involved unused limb flesh being repurposed into …

Parents hate it! Old people fear it! The government technically allows it under the Religious Liberty and Charitable Donation Protection Act of 1998! It seems that teens these days are scrambling to try out the hot new trend of church-taxing, or “chaxing.” It’s a lit craze that involves a 8323 tax form, one signed and …

The Rejuvenating Powers Of Sand By “Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially Don’t be afraid, former sea-creature. We are all children of the ocean, having long ago emerged to walk the earth in the ancient year of 360 BC. Most historians wouldn’t tell you that, but of course, most …