Breathing Exercises To Use In Case You Get Buried Alive Someday
Have you heard of alternate nostril breathing?
Serene Bottomless Pits To Visit This Summer
You’ll want to stare into these bottomless, lonely cavities for the rest of your life.
How to Raise Your Boys to Be Feminists Who Also Rock at Magic
We need to teach our boys consent, mutual respect, and how to freaking rock at magic.
How to Listen to Your Body’s Needs Using 6 FT. of Hose and Some Lube
Self care is important. That’s why we want you to listen to your body. No, like REALLY listen to it. Know what we’re saying?
Classic Novels To Read When You’re Trapped Under A Bookshelf
Never read “Little Women”? Now you have time!
‘Netflix And Chill’ Options For Letting Him Know You’re Into Pegging
But how can a gal turn her “Netflix and Chill” event into a fully-blown strap-attack? Here are some helpful movies and shows to get you started…
A Guide To Detoxing Your Red Dead Online Character
More than 150 million Americans play video games, many online. And from what we’ve heard, online gaming is apparently one of the most toxic environments around.
Manage Social Anxiety Even Though Everyone Is Only Pretending To Like You
Love Yourself And Others Will Follow, Even The Paid Actors Pretending To Be Your Parents.
Dating Tips For Ensuring They Don’t Find Your Box Of Fake Security Badges
The last thing an on-the-market millennial needs is for that new special someone to stumble upon your embarrassing collection of scattered fake security badges and hospital IDs. Cringe!
Macrodosing: Taking So Much LSD That Nothing Matters Anymore
Dinnnerinnerinner dinnner . how do you spell that word. dinnnner
8 Black And White Photos Of Pregnant Women For You To Do Whatever With
You’ve worked hard all week, and quite frankly, you deserve a break! That’s why we’ve created this slideshow of black and white photos of pregnant women for you to do, you know, whatever with. No need to go into detail. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy these beautiful visions of gestation in whatever manner you […]
Aromainjury: Slowly Defeat Your Enemy With These Scent Oils
The less-practiced craft of Aromainjury will help you organically conquer that nosy coworker or messy roommate. Here are our favorite fragrances of annihilation!
Non-Phallic Sex Toys For When You Wanna Get Plowed By A Muppet
We can approximate Muppet genitals based on their design with the following colorful sex toys clearly designed to simulate Muppintercourse.
9 Facts You Didn’t Know About Getting Even With Dad
While It Didn’t Do Great In The States, The Film Was A Big Hit In The Republic Of Macedonia Where It Released Under The Title “Kill Ponytail Father”
This Plant-Based Colombian Breakfast Will Give You All-Day Energy
Thanks to a single plant, I now have so much fucking all-day energy that I’ve been going non-stop for the last 18 hours and am currently writing this at 4:15 in the morning!
8 Eclectic Bathroom Designs You Could Totally Bust A Fat Log In
Who says you can’t drop anchor and also be inspired?
7 Fun Knives For Severing Your Pinkie After Breaking Your Resolutions
There was no way you were really going to “Travel More” this year.
Chic Winter Dresses That Scream ‘AGGHHH I’M NOT A DRESS I’M ALIIIVE’
“YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME I’M REALLY ALIVE!” says the body-hugging gown…
Get Your Strongest Core Ever With Nonstop Crying!
Some call it “Sob Crunches” while others like myself prefer “Exer-crying”.
Organic Scarecrow: Save The Planet By Dressing An Ancient Mummy In Overalls
Let’s face it: nobody likes birds. This goes double for any salt-of-the-earth farmer maintaining their autumn kale crop or repurposed urban xeriscape. Unfortunately our current scarecrow technology has yet to advance past the wasteful hay usage long established in the 1900s, and I for one think it’s time we change that. That’s why I came […]
Bison Urethra: The Biodegradable Alternative To Plastic Straws
Ever since it’s been scientifically proven that plastic straws are the number-one and only threat to our Mother Earth, we as a society have come together to annihilate every last shred of this tubular capitalist sin and herald a new age where the oceans are completely and forever safe. Congratulations! But no victory is without […]
Easy Hand-To-Hand Techniques For Fighting A Doctor Who Wants To Vaccinate Your Child
Everyone enlightened with holistic knowledge knows that doctors are the Hitlers of modern history. While peace is the best policy, there comes a time in every person’s life when they simply must fight back against oppression, and in the war for our children’s safety, there is no price too high. This is why, in the […]
The Best Adult Summer Camps Conveniently Located Within The Perimeter Of My Inescapable Arizona Compound
Millennials are reportedly the least likely generation to consider themselves religious. And as the proud leader of my own legally-defined church, I find it greatly disheartening that this new generation appears to worship their Beyoncés and Andrew Garfields over the one true God. And considering the oppression my divine faith has received from the so-called […]
It Has Always Been Part Of My Divine Plan For You To Pay My Legal Fees
I’m not oblivious. I know it’s not always easy for my oceanic disciples to follow every single lesson laid out in my expansive collection of self-help literature/chant books/diet charts/underwater ashram chore schedules. We aren’t all millionaires — which is why I will never charge a flat fee for my guidance into the vestigial temple of […]
5 Things Star Trek The Voyage Home Got Wrong About Space Whales
My saltwater sea-children, everyone knows that the 1986 Leonard Nimoy-directed Star Trek film The Voyage Home is undoubtedly the best film about the existence of extraterrestrial whales. This is why our church offers free* screenings of it every Thursday at all of our many seminar huts across the nation. But just how accurate of a […]
How To Actualize Your Healing With Wellness Therapy
Fellow aquatic spawn, the world has never been more complicated. World Wide Webs are threatening our daily serenity as the country is led by Big Vaccine and lab coat hucksters brainwashing kids into throwing away their appendixes. There’s a lot of hustle and bustle even outside of our jazz-infested metropolitan cityscapes, making it not hard […]
How To Hack Your Urethra
When early ape arose from the shore of our great ocean womb, no longer could we protect our monkey eggs from the harshness of a dry environment. It was then that our vestigial tail bud tissue formed the pulpy genitalia we so cherish today. For snakes, this process involved unused limb flesh being repurposed into […]
The Definitive List Of Best Lists In All Of Listory
Ask any math or morphological expert and they’ll tell you that the list is by far the strongest structure in nature. A bee’s honeycomb consists of an unordered list of hexagons. Trees are assigned a list of leaves that annually drop off to be subsequently re-appended. And of course, the biological superiority of a creature […]