Jessica Ellis

Use your pubes as nature intended!

The hyena ambush really sealed the deal.

Oops.

And the eggs are hard boiled, so brunch is served!

They mostly told us to optimize vertical space?

He’s a sexy liar god, and that’s hot!

We checked.

Deck the halls with a perfect Christmas tree, you absolutely miserable bastard.

Because therapy is hard.

Killer whales have dominated the mommy game lately, which is why I’m now only communicating with my children with squeaking and nose bumps.

You SAY it’s your favorite season. Prove it.

It just isn’t right.

Like, brown ones, maybe?

PB&J is fall, right?

Those ingrates will thank me later.

Yes, the earth is dying, but check out these glitter pens!

Because it’s literally all that’s left.

It’s better here.

Protecting endangered cartoon animals like the Care Bears is a moral duty

“We’re all in this together, so stop squirming.”

Heading out into the wilderness for some hiking is a great way to reconnect with your true self and get your ass bit by majestic nature.

The most important questions you should definitely ask your doctor about robot sex, no matter how awkward you or they feel.

Have you tried apple slices and cinnamon?!

Sure, death is forever. But so is the perfect instagram pic!

Like the Harvard Yard Festival, where stake-burning is encouraged!

Do you know the signs?

Marshmallows are basically nature’s intestinal glue.

There’s so many kinds of foods you can think about!

Have you heard of the Waxing Ex Crescent moon?

We’re sorry to be the ones to break it to you.

What goes where?!

Build upon shared interests.

Humiliate them until they dissolve in shame and fear.

The blindness is SO worth it.

Getting whipped with a tiny man on your back has never felt so good!

Vacation should be about leaving your old life and tired connections behind, along with most of your clothes and ALL of your money!

You may be surprised by these findings.

Roses are still the flowers of romance, but if you are giving anyone a bouquet of white roses for their purity in 2019, you need to update your ideas.

Do you panic during surgery? Do you constantly fear getting lost in the mall?

Want to save the planet AND keep being an unimprovable slob? Our biodegradable work-out equipment lets you finally feel good about doing nothing!

The hottest new salad proteins are hopefully maggots, because that’s definitely what’s in this trendy salad pack we bought three weeks ago!

Check out our reviews of these actual savory ice cream flavors apparently made by demon aliens who want to ruin everything you love in this world.

Having mulled over all the evidence since the dawn of time, we’ve realized that sex with men was an atrocious mistake, and we must apologize.