Jessica Ellis

If you gotta go, you gotta go mourned eternally by someone who found true love just to have it slip through their fingers by the cruelty of fate (and that double-decker bus.)

It’s just science.

Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?

Live in the natural squalor you deserve.

I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!

Yes, if you long for a really fuzzy pair of hands around your throat these amazing winter turtlenecks are the perfect way to blend your kink with your couture!

Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.

Have you heard of Tanzania? We hadn’t!

A therapist is just someone you pay to listen and be nice to you. At Trader Joe’s they do it for free.

We would never want to cramp your hump-pumping with the cruel reality of below freezing weather.

Same time, same place, same genetics. Eh, with modern dating, who has time to care about all three?

When was the last time a litter of helpless newborn kittens did anything nice for YOU?

Revenge on your sibling should fuel most of your life decisions.

Here’s your official, foolproof STD diagnoses via unforgettable song stylings that, believe it or not, beat West Side Story out for a Tony. Because racism.

Honestly, who goes ‘Oh a mug? Fantastic, that’s what I’ve always wanted and had no idea how to get’

Teach that stupid furball to stop being such a basic bitch

Don’t even bother trying to cover up that horrible potato head

Because nothing feels as good as fitting into designer skinny jeans. Not even love.

Why is Thanksgiving so damn complicated?

She was a piece of work.

Modern guys just aren’t cutting it for me.

I’ve got stuffing in the oven, and I don’t mean the one in my kitchen!

Everyone needs a good post-divorce craft project, even if it means building a whole new family who will never desert me out of fruit.

At first, Andrea was hesitant to take our suggestion that she try aerial yoga for this article, which we respectfully acknowledged. Then she started screaming.

You better hope your colon is in order, because I’m about to blow the shit straight out of you.

I didn’t expect anyone to understand the sacrifice I was making through my hunger strike, but I really didn’t expect them to vehemently insist I keep going.

Autumn is the perfect time to tackle a project like knitting a beautiful scarf, one that could finesse your whole look if you finished it, which you won’t.

Turn your stupid fat American child into a glorious, perfectly-behaved little Madeline thanks to a strict French diet!

Your favorite color reveals both your preferences for physical and spiritual connections, but also some pretty graphic details about how you’ll snuff it.

Get ready.

Instead of candy, give your neighbors what they really want this Halloween: a comprehensive sexual education via seasonal and sensual pumpkins!

Pair it with Jordan Catalano hair and deep ennui.

Coughing directly in your child’s face is the ecological, non-toxic, and natural way to ensure they grow healthy immune systems.

Finally!

Was it Wade Duck? Or perhaps Orson Pig?

To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries, to yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese!

Swimwear is no place to abandon ANY of your sisters, that’s why we’ve got the perfect swimsuits for every gal whose body fat percentage we accept as okay!

Your imperfections aren’t a good enough reason to appropriate the last art form of truly beautiful women – the no-makeup selfie.

Sometimes your pegasus is a god damn pegadick.