Slut Shaming Is Wrong Unless I Am About to Finish
No man should be going around calling women names unless they are in my bed, kitchen, or bathtub and I am about 30 seconds away from le petit mort.
Please Stop Trying To Cleanse My House of Evil Spirits, They Do The Dishes
It happens every time: I invite a friend over for brunch, a tarot reading, or an intravenous drug party, and they soon notice that my house is clearly haunted. It’s admittedly hard to miss— objects fly around seemingly of their their volition, and there’s that faint, creepy whispering from deep within the walls. I try to […]
Make Your Relationship As Good As The One I Have With This BBQ Pulled Pork Macaroni And Cheese
Relationships can be tough, but when you find your perfect other half, you’ll be amazed by how easy things can be. I personally feel so lucky to be in a relationship that’s so intuitive and carefree. I am, of course, talking about my relationship with this barbecue pulled pork macaroni and cheese. It’s a simple […]
I Deserve The Right To Breastfeed My Snakes In Public
Sometimes when I breastfeed in public, ignorant store owners or cops feel the need to stop me instead of dealing with their own weird hangups. Breastfeeding is beautiful and natural. It’s a sacred bond between a mother and her young, and I should have the right to breastfeed my snakes in public whenever I want. […]
A Tour Guide Of The Places Where Men Have Dumped Me
When it comes to men, I’ve been around the neighborhood a few times, if you know what I mean. What I mean is that I have been dumped by various men in various places in the town where I live throughout the years. Come with me, if you like, as I relive this journey and […]
Way Too Formal Breakfasts For After Casual Sex
I have always considered myself a sex-positive woman. I have needs, and I’m not afraid to admit it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t treat my (extremely casual, no strings-attached) partner, Liam, with dignity and kindness. We might not be a couple (which again, I’m 100% okay with), but I don’t ever want him to […]
I Pierced My Clit To Enhance My Sex Life And All It’s Gotten Me Is Months of Explaining That To People
I remember hearing from one of my sluttier friends that piercing your clit makes your orgasms better and basically feels like you’re always a little lady hard. Heck yes, I thought! Once I have the time to let one of this baby properly heal, like when I’m unemployed and can just lay around with my […]
Someone Stole My Identity And They’re Living My Best Life
This story starts out familiar enough, with a declined credit card purchase attempt. This sort of thing happens more often than I would prefer, but this time, I was completely sure I had the money I needed in the account. The money was just deposited the day before. After some digging, it became clear that […]
Why I Won’t Move In With My Boyfriend Until We’re Engaged Or At Least Dating
My friends are often surprised to find out that I won’t move in with a guy until I’ve got a ring or at least an understanding that we are a couple. Sure, it’s a little old fashioned, but it’s what works for me. I’m not some stuffy agony aunt trying to tell you what to […]
I Solved All My Problems By Avoiding Them On The Pacific Crest Trail
Recently, I hit rock bottom. I think it all started as a child when my parents divorced, and it amplified in my adult years when my mother died. I know these are things most people “work through” at some point in their lives, but I don’t believe in therapy and no amount of crystals were […]
Stop Saying I Have Daddy Issues Just Because I Call Them My Dead Gary Issues
I’d like to send a message to all the men I’ve dated, am currently dating, and who moved out of state after I emotionally ruined them. That message is: One cannot have “daddy issues” when they have no daddy physically present on this planet to give provide them with said issues. When I bring up my […]
How To Deal When Your Decorating Tastes Are Too Extra For Your Partner
Moving in together is a big step forward in a relationship, and with all the major issues to talk about—how you should divide chores, who handles which bills, making sure they know you hiss and singe whenever the drapes are opened—potential aesthetic clashes often go undiscussed. Which brings me to this poster of Ronald Reagan […]
Recipe: The 27 Flavors I Added to This Muffin Mix Until I Could Feel Something
I used to be like you. When I was a child, I could be satisfied with a simple vanilla cupcake. Oh, how wistful I am for those days of carefree innocence. As I grew older, my palate matured, and I craved the apple cinnamon crumble. I longed for the orange chocolate creme brulee. I was […]
Bunny Ears Staff Advice Column: RELATIONSHIPS
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the first-ever Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now…] Q – Hana Michels Dear trusted advisor, I’m attracted to narcissists. Every person I’ve ever dated has had at least one […]
How To Spice Up Your Sex Life With At-Home Industrial Grade Cleaning Supplies
Are you tired of your average, mundane, everyday sex life? Do you long for the spice, the thrill, and the sheer intensity of something beyond vanilla? Well, have we got the bombastic solution for you! Any average Joe or Jane can supercharge their bedroom romps with just a few common household supplies. Tide Pods Eating […]
How To Give A Memorable Wedding Toast Without Mentioning The Bride Ate Her Twin In Utero
It’s such an honor to be asked to speak at your friend’s wedding, but it can also be very stressful. Right now, I’m attempting to put down a few words on paper about my lifelong friend, Jennifer, and of course, I’m having that classic problem: trying not to mention that she ate her twin in […]
Thanks To Free Range Parenting, I Haven’t Seen My Kid In Weeks!
My daughter, Willow, has always been a free spirit. She loves to explore and solve problems on her own. I know every mother thinks their child is brilliant, but when she broke the time record at her Montessori school’s escape room, I knew I had a child who could handle herself. I first heard about […]
Are You Eating Enough Nostalgic Food?
Food trends may come and go, but the foods you ate as a child ironically never go out of style. Most importantly, our bodies recognize the spiritual nutrients of nostalgic foods and manifest repair on a cellular level, returning us to our younger, healthier selves. Scientific facts like these help experts (like me!) recommend a […]
You Are Clearly Not Trying Hard Enough to Have Vaginal Orgasms
Listen up, bitch. I’ve had just about enough of your shit. As your sex therapist, I find it deeply concerning and frankly suspicious that you still can’t manage to have vaginal orgasms. I don’t care that you don’t pay me or even know how I keep getting into your house. What’s important is that I […]
I Made My Husband Out Of Paper Mache And My Love Life’s Never Been Better!
A good man has a tough exterior and a heart of gold. A great man has a body sculpted out of chicken wire and covered in old paste-soaked newspapers. That’s right, folks, I’m talkin’ paper mache. I met my first husband, Clarke while studying abroad in Paris. Clarke was striking, tall, dark, and handsome. He […]
Snackchat: Eat Healthier By Talking Food Into Being Less Fatty
Unhealthy food understands it’s our prey, so it releases toxic sugars and fats into our bodies as a self-defense mechanism when we eat. But it doesn’t have to be this way. For so long, diets have unfairly disparaged unhealthy food without taking a second to consider whether our cakes and fries would harm us if […]
Spice Up Your Open Relationship By Competing To Screw The Most Neighbors!
Modern love is a strange, exhausting experience. Once you’re past the awkward messages, the awkward courtship, the awkward sex, the awkward family greetings, and all that bullshit, you still must fight for love. Sometimes, that means compromising your behavioral quirks and turn-offs so you can venture together into exciting new fuck stuff. Other times, it […]
A Few Ways To Break-Up With Someone Who Won’t Take No For An Answer
They say breaking up is hard to do, but it’s immensely harder if your significant other won’t allow it. You say “We’re over,” they say “Sushi for dinner?” You say, “Sure, I’m starved,” and round and round you go. But don’t lose hope. You don’t have to stay stuck in this relationship until death do […]
This Poached Egg Hack Will Totally Ruin Your Marriage!
Poaching eggs is difficult, and so is marriage. They’re both hard to keep together. Any time you poach an egg, it could end up a runny, drippy mess, just like my husband Sean’s penis. Hi, Sean! Your shower technique is bad and your genitals are disgusting. Anyway, here’s a poached egg hack that will totally […]
Single And Stuck On A Submarine? Then This Dating App Is For You!
If you’ve been single in the digital age, you know how the story goes: you meet the right guy and/or gal, you connect over your favorite episodes of The Office or where you were during Occupy Wall Street, and you start planting the seeds for a casual fling. You set the date. You set the […]
How To Tell Your Girlfriend You’re Just A Bunch of Cats
Hi! I’m Daniel O’Brien, author, friend, and retired rollerblader. I’ve never claimed to have all the answers and I didn’t start out writing because I wanted or expected to get into the advice business. But I’m a public-facing person who is both happy and successful and can generally navigate most situations with some degree of […]
Signs You’re In An Unhealthy Relationship (With Chili’s)
Romantic relationships can pose a variety of challenges even at their best. Two unique individuals coming together to form a partnership will always require sacrifice, compromise, and clear communication. In short: Work. Which is why it can sometimes be difficult to recognize the warning signs of an unhealthy, codependent, or even toxic relationship. It’s easy […]
Keeping The Spark Of Psychological Warfare Alive In Your Long-Term Celebrity Relationship
Relationships are hard work, whether you’re a Hollywood power couple forever trapped beneath the microscope of public adoration and scrutiny, or some fucking nobody. However, we feel that the burden of maintaining a long-term romantic relationship is borne exponentially more heavily by the very famous (and we are certain you agree). When you and another […]
Does He Like You Or Does He Just Need Your Soul For A Spell?
We’ve all been there. The guy you’re crushin’ on is giving you totally mixed signals. Sometimes you feel like you’re definitely sensing a connection, and other times you’re convinced it’s all in your head. It’s the age-old question: Does he like you, or does he just need your soul to summon Khaos, the ancient Demon […]