Brian Boone

It’s so weird that most of us were scandalized when Prince William and Princess Kate decided to take on a third party into their marriage.

No need to thank us.

Whatever you think you know is really just the tip.

This always happens to me!

There has to be a head transplant list by now, right?

The toilet is where the pee-pee and poops leave your body,

You don’t even have to be dead!

Breathtaking.

His name and intent remain unknown.

I know, it sounds ludicrous, but I assure you this is no joke.

Hey James, fuck you you disgusting shit. Everyone else, please learn to accept your body as it is!

Nowadays, thankfully, there are many different kinds of hats that prevent thought-theft… too many, in fact.

If you’re gonna sacrifice a virgin, you better sacrifice a virgin the right way.

There’s a whole world of fun back there to enjoy while the goons drive you to the murder spot.

Read this guide / when you slide / to a world of fear and trepidation.

To feel truly different, you’re going to have to make some real life alterations so that you don’t fall back into your old habits. I completely changed my life by eating the same unlikely thing every morning. And that thing is a box of thumbtacks.

Your cousin lied when he said he shot the dog in Duck Hunt. Because if he had, he’d be scarred for life.

His blood is magic.

Wake up, you actual bear who has been sleeping for months. Bet you’re hungry.

No, you’re not crazy – if you’ve got a bad feeling it’s happening, then your spouse probably is cheating on you with a circus clown.

You bear? I bear, too!

There are lots of reasons to carve off one of your arms or legs before its absolutely necessary.

The Berserker Blothar? Or perhaps Bonesnapper?

One taste of that needle now, and they’ll be hooked for life.

Because everybody has one. Right?

Because keeping the spark alive takes work.

So, so many things.

I don’t know why everybody called my uncles “Bad Dudes,” because they were good dudes. More than good. Probably the best people I’ll ever know.

Take the blue pill, take the red pill, take all the pills from Dr. Mario. (Except for the red-blue one.)

Congrats, you’re a superhero now. Off to save the day!

Is the hole in the wall of a public bathroom through which you do unspeakable things starting to look a bit rundown? Then you need an extreme glory hole makeover, buddy.

Use this guide, and everywhere you go, people will think that you’re the real Grimace!

Is it coming from the furniture? The vents?

Finally!

Save yourself some money (and a visit with your “guy”) by making your own Adderall at home. Now FOCUS.

It’s easy!

We’re tired of it!

Move over, Apple.

It’s literally all we can hear, taste, and smell.