Health

The long wet reign of terror by 69 is out. It’s time for a new sex number, baby. Meet 82, the number that ones to get down and dirty with YOU!

Stop spitting them into the garbage and do something useful with those beetles that emerge from your mouth for inscrutable reasons.

Fake it until you make it! And by “it” I mean “identity theft”

It’s that time of year again!

There are so many substances you can use to masturbate. All that I ask is that you don’t use my luxurious moisturizer. It’s not too much to ask, is it?

Time to roll up your sleeves, roll down your waistband, and tend to an indent herb garden of your own.

Never read “Little Women”? Now you have time!

Love Yourself And Others Will Follow, Even The Paid Actors Pretending To Be Your Parents.

Where would gender equality be if Jacobson didn’t have the strength to write social media posts and that one Medium article? We’d probably lose the right to vote, that’s where!

Dinnnerinnerinner dinnner . how do you spell that word. dinnnner

Everybody poops. Even your edgy teen.

I’m basically a pro.

You can’t risk electing a judge you can’t bribe

Hint: There’s so fucking many!

It was very much not okay in the end.

Not only are my Lincoln Log hinges fashionable they also make so many daily activities better. No longer do I have to worry about damaging my joints when I do yoga.

It’s a thing, apparently?

You’ll look fabulous—no matter how many atrocities you commit!

You will reach unfathomable velocity.

What the real danger is here? A virus I specifically designed to kill 90% of the population, or the untested vaccine for it? I think you know my answer.

Don’t let disease get you down. Fight through your illness with our bold new method of denying its existence! You’ll be healthy in no time!

I mean who knows, right?

The advice for taking a big old honker of a butt plug is the same advice that’s going to help you power your bottom through your podcast’s third rebrand.

I can’t wait until one of my doctors makes an innocent mistake while adjusting the settings on the cryo-tank and it turns me into Mr. Freeze.