Lifestyle

His name was Geoffrey. He was neither cute nor trendy, but a Lovecraftian manifestation of everything wrong and evil. “Get a house llama!” they said. “It’ll be fun!” they said. Little did they know he would slowly but surely attempt to rob me of everything I hold dear—even my very life. So don’t get a …

2010 was a dark year: There was that earthquake in Haiti, Ronnie James Dio died, and Four Loko got banned. Sure, it came back, but only as a shell of its former self, with none of the delicious stimulants that got us totally lit. But you’re older now, wiser. You’re horrified that you used to …

We all feel those summer blues, when the sun is hot, the beach is crowded with commoners, and the long afternoons seem to stretch on with nothing to fill our ample free time. That’s why summer is the perfect time to dive headfirst into a new hobby or interest like it’s going to be the …

Along with stem cell facials, human blood bags, and not letting your workers unionize, raw water is all the rage in Silicon Valley. But what do you do if there are no natural springs or rivers near your home? I have found the perfect solution to this problem. I discovered a naturally occurring water source …

As a wellness writer at Bunny Ears, I love to get my vagina steamed by going outside naked, pointing my yon-yon at the upper atmosphere, and waiting for climate change to take its course. If that doesn’t make me the hostess with the moistest, I get my face as close as possible to my sacred …

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the first-ever Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now…] Q – Hana Michels Dear trusted advisor, I’m attracted to narcissists. Every person I’ve ever dated has had at least one …

Some people think that the pelvic floor is important just because it keeps your organs from getting poured out onto the ground like a green juice the new girl at Bile forgot to put bee pollen in even though you were ADAMANT about wanting it. Before you decide whether to replace your pelvic floor with …

CVI have always had very sensitive, delicate skin. Even the gentlest of healthcare products produces angry, red rashes that mar my otherwise exquisite complexion. After years of home remedies and ancient voodoo techniques, I have finally discovered the beauty regimen that works for me. A few weeks ago, I began bathing in cow’s milk almost exclusively. …

Lifestyle blogs and magazines offer an endless supply of sex tips, whether or not the staff has actually tried any of them. But we’ve tried everything here in the Bunny Ears office. You should see our mangled genitals. They’re a slop-fest. Totally unrecognizable. That’s why, when I was asked to come up with even more …

Black is in and fashionable, in more ways than you know. If you know anything, you’ll know that one of the hottest ways to spice up your social life is making it ethnically diverse. But, alas, what’s a small-town Lily white milquetoast like you to do when you don’t have any minorities for friends? Fear …

Look, I’ve tried just about every diet under the sun and I can tell you, most of them are false promises and retained water weight. All those carb-based diets leave you feeling sluggish. Atkins? Maybe if you want gout. Vegan? I’m not a rabbit, thanks. I had started to give up. I thought I would …

I don’t think you motherfuckers are ready for my seminar on work-life balance. This shit is gonna be all about cutting loose extraneous distractions and unplugging from your work-connected electronic devices, but I suspect you’ll be too busy writing a reply to Christian from accounting on a Saturday afternoon instead of absorbing knowledge that will …

I work so hard watching my nanny, Sarah, put together bento box lunches for my children and smiling and nodding when my husband Gregory talks about his “business.” I don’t know exactly what he does and I think, for legal purposes, that I don’t want to. I really just tune out whenever he’s speaking. Anyway, …

Essential oils may have no scientifically demonstrated benefits, but at least they smell good. We can’t say the same thing about our list of inessential oils. We can’t guarantee that they won’t actively harm you, but we can guarantee that they smell pretty weird. Our inessential oils are as malodorous as they are useless, and …

Near death experiences are real, my children. I know this because I have died once a week for the last three years. I stop my heart using only my willpower as a skilled guru and also a 24-volt customized truck battery, with the following practice: Step One: Perform the Kurmasana pose in a shallow prayer …

The world is in bad shape. Politics are a virtual minefield. The weather is devastatingly out of control. And hey, did you know the honeybees are still dying? Still, guys. Look, I know what you’re thinking. “I’m allergic to bees, bees killed Macaulay Culkin, and peanut butter is better than honey anyway.” Fair. I’m impressed …

There’s no denying that healing crystals have incredible power.1 But just how far does this power go? We’ve used and endorsed crystals to cure headaches, colds, and other common aliments,2 but today we’re here to tell you that, when applied correctly, crystals can do so much more.3 They can even help you overcome cancer, as …

Hey! It’s you! It feels like it’s been so long. I missed you. Come, friends. Learn the ancient wisdom of the stars to prevent the most common health ailments suffered by your zodiac sign. I love you. So try to stick around for a while, OK? Aries You’re active and energetic … which also likely …

Kink shaming is a thing of the past; now, it’s all about body positivity and living your best life. You do you, figuratively or literally. It doesn’t really matter. Life is short, and we are all going to die. Our color of the month, asphyxiation, is a trendy way to showcase your hidden desires to …

If you’re anything like me, once a year you, your vagina, and your freshly bleached asshole find yourselves spread-eagle at the OBGYN for a good old pap smear. I dunno, just something quirky I do to keep things interesting! And if you’re anything more like me, that means once a year you have to put …

Dating is rough these days. What with the swiping, the ghosting, and the guys lying about the size of their yurts (45 square feet, my butt). Sometimes it’s enough to make you want to just give up altogether. But fear not, fellow spinsters. Read on for full-proof ways to attract a man! Bacon On A …

If you follow most holistic healing blogs, odds are you’ve stumbled upon the phrase “dry body brushing” at least once or twice. For the uninitiated, dry brushing is exactly what it sounds like: You stroke your skin once or twice daily with a soft-bristled brush with the intention of exfoliating your epidermis and stimulating your …

Who Rescued Whom is a new recurring series where Bunny Ears’ resident animal expert Allison Mick guides you through the many things you should know about adopting rescue animals — especially crows! So you think you’re ready to rescue a pet, but you’re not depressed enough for a cat and don’t want people saying “doggo” …

When people find out I am host to a tapeworm and an Amazonian dick fish, they always ask the same questions: “What the fuck?” “Have you seen someone about that?” And finally, “do they get along?” The answers are, respectively, “please don’t swear around my tapeworm,” “of course not,” and a resounding “yes.” But it …

Everyone enlightened with holistic knowledge knows that doctors are the Hitlers of modern history. While peace is the best policy, there comes a time in every person’s life when they simply must fight back against oppression, and in the war for our children’s safety, there is no price too high. This is why, in the …

For some people, the shower is a place of absolute comfort where you can sing, formulate insane Fresh Prince fan theories, or even shed a few tears without judgment. For others, the shower is a place of vulnerability, where the ultimate embarrassment or a knife-wielding maniac is only separated by the tug of a curtain. …

This year, as you’re polishing off the ol’ family machete for your traditional summer camp killing spree, keep in mind how the world is changing. Some of your behavior on past killing sprees is now considered unacceptable. That’s always been the case, according to Mother, but if you don’t start making the following changes, you’ll …

Are you tired of your average, mundane, everyday sex life? Do you long for the spice, the thrill, and the sheer intensity of something beyond vanilla? Well, have we got the bombastic solution for you! Any average Joe or Jane can supercharge their bedroom romps with just a few common household supplies. Tide Pods Eating …

One important aspect of starting a yoga practice is finding a teacher who hasn’t doggied downward with your ex. This can be surprisingly difficult. But never fear, a good yoga practice can be done anywhere (for instance, on your ex’s dick). You want to have a good connection with your yoga teacher. And not a …

Kidneys, you gotta have em. Some people think just one is acceptable but here at Bunny Ears we highly recommend at least two. MC himself has four on him at all times. We wanted to take a moment today to slow down and dish about the hippest vital organ in everyone’s body. Kidneys Filter Your Blood This …

You hit the club dressed to the nines with whatever you found lying on the floor. Your heart works overtime to match that nasty beat, sweat rising from your pores. You see a sexy someone. You lock eyes. They pick up speed. Your bodies meet, they lean in… “Jesus Christ, how much have you had …

Let’s get something straight: I am not rich. It’s like my mother always says, “You aren’t truly wealthy unless you don’t have any keys.” Rich people have their own non-rich people to handle things like doors. Now, to be fair, I don’t have a lot of keys. I just have the key to my house …

Minimalism is a design aesthetic with a long and rich history. I assume. I didn’t actually research it, because I only have fifteen minutes to write this article. If I don’t put in a 10-hour shift on Wipr (an app you really don’t want more information about) I’ll lose my “Golden” status and my $5 weekly …

Heirloom recipes are so special. They’re like a time machine that can transport us directly back to our childhood kitchens. I know when I take one bite of this wonderful gingerbread recipe I’m right back next to my grandmother in her warm, homey cottage in the woods. I’m so excited to share this fabulous recipe …

It’s such an honor to be asked to speak at your friend’s wedding, but it can also be very stressful. Right now, I’m attempting to put down a few words on paper about my lifelong friend, Jennifer, and of course, I’m having that classic problem: trying not to mention that she ate her twin in …

Earlier this year, I may have ill-advisedly shared five cocktail recipes with Bunny Ears readers during a, um, difficult time in my personal life. In the midst of a brutal divorce, I succumbed to the devil brew, and I was advised by my “lawyer” to check into a rehabilitation facility. I’m happy to report that I’m …

I’ve tried plenty of detoxes—the juice cleanse, the yogurt cleanse, the ranch dressing cleanse—but no matter what I tried, I couldn’t transcend this stubborn human dimension. Until now, that is. I’ve been on the rose petals cleanse for at least three months, though time has become somewhat a moot concept now that I partially inhabit the …

As you may have guessed, I have pretty bad acne … or some other type of dermatological health issue that causes red skin and raised bumps on the face. There are a lot of those. I suspect it’s cystic acne based on what I’ve read about the symptoms on the internet. But only God knows …

Creative types, listen up: It might be nice doing what your heart desires, but you’ll never make any money that way. Do you really think you’re going to be able to find success with your emotional, patient lifestyle when there are so many other lifestyles willing to please everyone else in your life? It’s about …

After a long day of goat yoga and apple cider vinegar colonics, it can be hard to get to sleep. Just because you’ve gone to bed doesn’t mean you’re at rest. Here at Bunny Ears, we love capping off our nighttime routine by flicking it to a meditation. Specifically, a meditation read by Logan Coleman, …

A lovingly crafted school lunch serves an important function in your child’s life, sending the message to the rest of the children that their mothers are inferior to you. Do you want to send your precious baby to school in a sparkling Tesla with fresh gourmet entrees or a filthy Yaris full of processed meat cubes? …

We get pretty excited around here when a new health and beauty trend sweeps the nation. It gives us the chance to write off excessive pampering sessions as a work expense. (You’ll never catch us, Uncle Sam!) Our latest obsession might sound a little dangerous at first, but trust us, it’s only very dangerous. This …