Health

It’s for the best.

As a general rule, you should never exfoliate so much that you accidentally end up brushing your teeth with your finger tips and Clinique facial scrub.

Like the say in business school, “Don’t blow your money. Let your money blow you.”

Amanda lives in Missoula, Montana, so we didn’t actually go out there to observe her morning routine firsthand even though LAX is one of the few airports that actually flies directly to Missoula because we’re scared of Republicans.

Elon Musk is his hero! I tried to explain this to them but they kept asking if I wanted to sponsor the education for some child “in need.”

“I’m in hell.”

It’s just science.

Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?

Imagine a world in which knives do not exist. Picture that world, and reach into your aged leather waist satchel for more Vicodin.

Whatever you think you know is really just the tip.

From Goat’s Milk Lavender to Honeysuckle Harmony, they tried them all. Oh God, why?

Who says you can’t drop anchor and also be inspired?

I had tried everything.

Turns out crabs are no joke!

This always happens to me!

It’s a thing.

Whenever more than one former Friends cast member enters the same room it is a mini Friends reunion and must be reported as such.

Does she ever pretend to choke you?

There has to be a head transplant list by now, right?

There was no way you were really going to “Travel More” this year.

You’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down.

The question job applicants dread.

Have you guys ever tried antibiotics?!

Hear me out.

So I Can Thrive On Just Grass?

She just fell asleep while submitting a piece and I’ve never been published before so, wow!

It has zero to do with our recent legal troubles, okay?

Who needs kindling when you have these literally classics?

Morally compromise everyone you love for the day of your dreams.

You don’t even have to be dead!

Getting crushed to death never felt so safe.

All level-headed, thoughtful adults know that Santa is totally real and totally in need of some sweet Christmas presents.

The backyard is a place just for you and your family. It’s a private outdoor sanctuary in which to reflect and commune with nature.

I can get so much done now!

Everything must go! As soon as possible!

“Did you know that Austin, Texas had a serial killer that pre-dates Jack The Ripper?”

Yeah, we are doomed, but at least there is cake!

Here’s your official, foolproof STD diagnoses via unforgettable song stylings that, believe it or not, beat West Side Story out for a Tony. Because racism.

Let’s throw up together!

Honestly, who goes ‘Oh a mug? Fantastic, that’s what I’ve always wanted and had no idea how to get’

Let’s see the guys down at Home Depot do this!

Breathtaking.