Ways To Find Love Before You Die Tragically On Valentine’s Day
If you gotta go, you gotta go mourned eternally by someone who found true love just to have it slip through their fingers by the cruelty of fate (and that double-decker bus.)
Macaulay Culkin’s Pointed Guide To New Orleans
New Orleans celebrates Mardi Gras the two weeks before Shrove Tuesday, which is … when?
Sex Tips Your Husband Wanted Us To Pass Along … If That’s Cool
Full disclosure, your husband emailed to us because your sex life sounds like a mess.
Cut Down On Waste: Let Your Boyfriend Use Your Diva Cup For Mouthwash
Let’s save the planet together!
Mack Answers Your Dumb Questions: ‘What’s The Biggest Misconception About You?’
You asked, I answered!
9 Facts You Didn’t Know About Getting Even With Dad
While It Didn’t Do Great In The States, The Film Was A Big Hit In The Republic Of Macedonia Where It Released Under The Title “Kill Ponytail Father”
Check Out Our Winter Jumpers With Absolutely No Implications Of Blackface
Could you imagine if someone actually made a blackface jumper and sold it?
Sophisticated Gifts For Kids That Are Sure To Get Them Bullied
You’ll look like a parent with impeccable modern taste, but you’ll never have to put your skills to use because your child won’t have any friends left!
These Crystals Have The Same Names As Women I Cheated On Karen With
Crystals are supposed to manifest health and power but all I manifested was my swift and brutal downfall.
Yes, My Child is a Rescue. It’s The Humane Thing To Do
If you breed your children, you’re literally worse than a hypothetical love child made from the union of Hitler and Stalin, who was then was nannied by Pol Pot.
Oops! I Think I May Have Over-Exfoliated
As a general rule, you should never exfoliate so much that you accidentally end up brushing your teeth with your finger tips and Clinique facial scrub.
Duolingo Courses Now Teach You How To Talk To Poors
Now the little green owl will guilt you into learning the language of the lowly and the downtrodden!
Build Wealth Even If Your Business Manager Won’t Suck A Dick For You
Like the say in business school, “Don’t blow your money. Let your money blow you.”
Hot Piles Of Garbage: Editor Amanda Mannen’s Morning Routine
Amanda lives in Missoula, Montana, so we didn’t actually go out there to observe her morning routine firsthand even though LAX is one of the few airports that actually flies directly to Missoula because we’re scared of Republicans.
My Son Dialed 1-800-Kars-4-Kids, But They Refused To Give Him A Tesla
Elon Musk is his hero! I tried to explain this to them but they kept asking if I wanted to sponsor the education for some child “in need.”
Cut Down On Screen Time by Mad Dogging Strangers!
Glaring at strangers is the newest most innovative way to cut out time wasted on your phone.
Fetish of the Month: Docking On Your Bros
Frat parties and butt-chugging kegs are so passé. Sure they get you drunk and horny, but no one’s good at naked stuff when they’ve tossed back too many, so stop kidding yourself.
What’s Your Fursona Based On Your Star Sign?
Just don’t call it your spirit animal, okay? That’s problematic.
Our Plans To Glow Up The White House
And the president, vice-president, and several key cabinet members, too!
Western Medicine Is A Lie: What Are Penises REALLY For?!??!!!!!??!
Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?
DIY Your Own Candy Hearts by Killing These Majestic Sugar Elves
All you need is a scalpel and some time.
Reach Enlightenment By Providing Feedback On My Talking Hippo Script
Read it and then provide at least several pages of feedback and suggestions. The talking hippo is named Everett and he mostly screams.
This Year, Train Your Body To Tolerate More Pain With Vicodin!
Imagine a world in which knives do not exist. Picture that world, and reach into your aged leather waist satchel for more Vicodin.
Heal Thy Neighbor By Throwing Crystals Through His Window
The guy can really use the help, and I’m here to give it to him one 90 mile-an-hour moonstone fastball at a time.
I’m Wearing This Cone To Better Empathize With My Dog
I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!
Get The Attention You Deserve By Faking A Pregnancy (Again)
This is your special time! Turn every possible opportunity into your favor.
This Plant-Based Colombian Breakfast Will Give You All-Day Energy
Thanks to a single plant, I now have so much fucking all-day energy that I’ve been going non-stop for the last 18 hours and am currently writing this at 4:15 in the morning!
Macaulay Culkin’s Pointed Guide To Las Vegas
If you’re in Vegas, you’re going to end up with the body of a dead hooker – either accidentally or on purpose, so it’s best to plan ahead!
Choose Circumcision! We Need To Keep Appeasing The Foreskin Wizard
Whatever you think you know is really just the tip.
Choosing The Right PR Firm For Your Racist Kids
With the right team of professionals, your child can avoid any and all consequences.