Lifestyle

For me, it started small. It was a beanie that looked like a dick.

Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.

We’re all about the icons of the ’90s, and perhaps no one is more iconic of that simpler time than Barney the Dinosaur. We grew up alongside that taxonomically ambiguous purple creature, so it’s only natural that he also grew up alongside us. What you may not know (but, of course, we do, because we […]

(Jerking off outside.)

Whenever more than one former Friends cast member enters the same room it is a mini Friends reunion and must be reported as such.

Does she ever pretend to choke you?

There has to be a head transplant list by now, right?

Have you heard of Tanzania? We hadn’t!

There was no way you were really going to “Travel More” this year.

Even if the people who own the zoo keep telling you to please stop doing that.

No one else feels lonely. Ever. It’s just you, the person reading this piece right now.

The toilet is where the pee-pee and poops leave your body,

You’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down.

The question job applicants dread.

Have you guys ever tried antibiotics?!

Yes, we SPIT in our purses!

Hear me out.

I don’t really know how I ended up in Night Vale. No one here does. One day, you just find yourself there.

Shhhhh.

A good doula is duty-bound to help you do things your way!

With overpopulation, global travel, and not one, but several strains of drug-resistant superbugs already taking hold, it’s safe to say that you and everyone you know will die in a pandemic (soon). And if modern history has taught us anything, this pandemic will likely come in the form of classic influenza. But will you die of […]

Everyone loves Jane. No one likes me. So, Jane seemed like the perfect resolution.

People are fickle and disappointing, but objects last forever.

It won’t be long before your child starts to crave the dark. No more crying when you put them to bed!

So I Can Thrive On Just Grass?

She just fell asleep while submitting a piece and I’ve never been published before so, wow!

It has zero to do with our recent legal troubles, okay?

Building a tiny walled prison is one of those chores that demands attention but doesn’t excite your passion.

A therapist is just someone you pay to listen and be nice to you. At Trader Joe’s they do it for free.

They’re just extremely delicious drones.

We would never want to cramp your hump-pumping with the cruel reality of below freezing weather.

“Grilled cheese” is a relative term.

HACK THE PLANET! HACK THE PLANNNNEEEEET!

Who needs kindling when you have these literally classics?

Spider Milk? Wait no spiders do silk. Right. Ignore this. Pretend we never suggested it.

Literally.

Immortality is now just a click away.

This year, my goal is to get shwiggity fuckin’ shwasted, and I can’t wait to get to it!

It’s incredibly disturbing.

Santa is the ultimate space daddy and now you may want to get your own but stay away!

Obadiah died in war!

Nothing sucks the air out of a holiday gathering like sugar-free baked goods and the son with a face only a mother would want to disown.

Morally compromise everyone you love for the day of your dreams.