Nature Walks: The Perfect Alibi For Casing A Joint
Nothing says alibi like, “Look — it’s two different species of fern!”
The Most Romantic, Out-Of-The-Way Chain Restaurants for Having Your Affair
Nothing says, “I don’t want to lose you, but I also don’t want to lose my marriage” like vaguely-Asian pot stickers.
How I Found Enlightenment By Staging My Own Kidnapping
I hope they let me play myself in the movie version of this story.
Transform Your Body By Getting Into This Machine And Not Asking Any Questions
Have you ever looked at your human body and thought “Ew, this lumbering carcass that encases my intellect is much too large and bothersome”? Well, with my revolutionary three-step method, you’ll see the pounds melt away in just three minutes. Many advertisers promise to give you less body quickly and with minimal effort, but no […]
I’m A Furry: Is Breastfeeding My Baby Still Vegan?
Being ethical can be tricky. On the one hand, I think consuming any product (including milk) made from the labor or bodies of animals is immoral. And on the other hoof, part of my lifestyle is dressing up as my fursona, a pink cow named “Moonica.” And therein lies the rub: can I breastfeed my […]
This New Form of OxyContin is Truly Better Than Sex
As busy mom and business owner, I often need a pick me up throughout the day. Most of the time, this comes in the form of the pearl-infused matcha latte at the corner shop, but some days, the creamy green goodness just isn’t working. Thankfully, around three months ago, I found a vice that really […]
Goddess Problems: When The Pegasus You Summoned Is Kind Of A Dick
Sometimes your pegasus is a god damn pegadick.
Simple Tricks To Make Their Funeral All About You
When someone you care about dies, it’s vital to keep the focus on what really matters: YOU!
Breezy Morse Code For Slipping into His DMs Before The Storm A-Comes
Ahoy, there, mateys! If you’ve got your spyglass trained on a rough-handed mariner, this article is for you. But don’t wait too long! We just saw a red sky this morning, although we probably would have called the color “Cape Cod cranberry” or “peasant blood.” You better get a-tapping before the waters get choppier than […]
How To Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Doula Without Alienating Your Life Coach
Having a baby changes everything, from your bladder function to your spiritual needs. You know you won’t get through it without your doula, but now your life coach, who’s been by your side from your wild single days right through to your socioeconomically appropriate marriage, feels left out. How do you keep the most important […]
The Beginner’s Guide to Keeping a Lobster Alive for One Week to Win $20
Why You’re Keeping a Lobster Alive Look, it happens to every small-business owner. Your friend starts making fun of your organic luxury pet product company, you defend it with some slightly exaggerated claims, your friend calls you on your bluff, you refuse to back down, a slightly ridiculous bet is suggested, and by the time […]
If You Love Your Daughter, You Will Hire A Menstrual Coach
This article has been sponsored by the Association of Accredited Menstrual Coaches. The road to womanhood can be a terrifying and perilous journey. If you want your daughter to survive menarche with her fragile adolescent mind in tact, you must hire a menstrual coach. What are menstrual coaches? They’re an organization of professionals licensed to […]
Enjoy This Text-Only, Audio-Free ASMR Experience by Daniel O’Brien
Hello, my name is Daniel O’Brien. I am an author, comedian, and aspiring boat captain, and I work with Bunny Ears to make your life better. ASMR, or Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, refers to the tingly, relaxing sensation some people get from specific audio cues, like soft whispering or tapping. There are currently thousands […]
Holiday Party Idea: Pushing Over Children At The Skating Rink
We need a fun and competitive blood sport that combines hockey with a dash of child abuse.
Dating Tips For Ensuring They Don’t Find Your Box Of Fake Security Badges
The last thing an on-the-market millennial needs is for that new special someone to stumble upon your embarrassing collection of scattered fake security badges and hospital IDs. Cringe!
Why I Planned My Best Friend’s Bachelorette Party in Vegas
As the maid of honor at your best friend’s wedding, your duties vary, but one of the most important ones is planning the bachelorette party. So when Summer asked me to be her MOH (maid of honor, duh), I was psyched. We’ve been friends for years. We’re like sisters. You know how it is; the […]
Spa Treatments Perfect For After Long Days Of Sexual Harassment
Scrub off dead skin cells AND all those disgusting comments you heard today.
I No Longer Believe In Cage-Free Zoos Now That My Family Is Dead
The hyena ambush really sealed the deal.
***—FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—*** Bunnyears.com Has Parted Ways With Our Resident Fact-Checker
***—FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—*** Bunnyears.com We at Bunny Ears are announcing the departure of our fact-checker, Thurston Greaydon James Ned Wulfric III, effective immediately. This decision is mutual-ish and we will include a short statement from Thurston in this release. Thurston has been with us for eight months, fact-checking and testing everything from Ranch Cleanses to Pickled […]
What’s All This Then: Bunny Ears Determines That Free Will Is A Lie
Bunny Ears knows that your quest for spiritual wellness takes many forms. During the day you may just need to know how much flaxseed to add to your oatmeal to get you through that staff meeting. But at night you’re haunted by bigger questions: Why are we here? Where are we going? Or, as we […]
The Best Jade Eggs For Summoning A Sex Demon
Hey Bunnies! By now most of you are well aware of the virtues of crystal healing — specifically how it can help clear out our negative emotional and physical energies, making way for more light and balance in our lives. And you’ve also likely read about (or even tried) the increasingly popular trend of clasping […]
What’s Sex With A Man Like? Our Writers Want To Know
We’ve heard about it in rap songs and on pamphlets, and we know it must at least be as great as McDonald’s because those are the two things they miss most on Orange Is the New Black. But what’s it really like?
10 Futhark Runes That Will Totally Make You Cum
For your next romantic evening in, why not try one (or all!) of the following runes, hand-selected by Church elders, to get those juices flowing?
Time To Send Your Kids To Summer Camp, But Which Cult Should You Choose?
Summer is the perfect time for your children to engage in holistic learning. However, this can be hard to accomplish at home, especially when you have plans to attend a tropical resort clinic to learn mindful breathing while on a Mai Tai cleanse. So to ensure that your Precious Little Ones get the most out […]
The Beginner’s Guide to Regretting Buying That Turtle
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better […]
Best Practices: How to Care For Your Servants
Let’s face it – it’s not easy to live adjacent to wealth and status. That’s why it’s important to take the time to make your servants feel appreciated. Now before you spit out your mimosa and have FedEx send a printed copy of this article to your home via bike messenger so that you can […]
How To Channel The Energy Of The Child Workers And Dead Birds Trapped In Your Healing Crystals
Hello, crystal fans! If you’ve been keeping up with my column, Crystal Chronicles, then by now you’ve heard the bad news: some of our beloved healing crystals are being sourced from mines with lax labor and environmental laws. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo, children as young as seven work in mines. In Myanmar, […]
We Talked To Some Unsuccessful, But Very Spiritual People About Their Work Habits
Do you find it hard to stay motivated in both your professional life and your spiritual one? Don’t despair! We asked some of the most spiritual people we could find to tell us how they find that all-important balance, and we think you’ll find their answers… enlightening. Krystal, 27 (Yoga Instructor) “Yoga is obviously extremely […]
RepubliZen: Enlightened Republican Quotes From Our Conservative Users
Lifestyle. It’s a word that calls to mind helpful communities like ours, lavender-scented miscellany, and older couples who like to swing. Yet, all too often, our favorite web genre sub-designation gets tangled up with a set of leftists ideals, things that might make our zen-seeking Republican brothers, sisters, and inter-gender comrades in the elephant jammies confused […]
4 Steamy Sex Tips for Spicing Up the Bedroom
Are you and your partner missing that spark? Has the once fiery passion that burned between you like a throbbing Adonis somehow dulled into the cool flaccidity of Meatloaf’s neck flap? Even if you were forced to bring great shame to your house by answering “yes” to the previous questions, don’t despair! There is hope […]
What’s All This, Then? Objectively, Nothing Matters, So … Fuck It?
Seriously. Do whatever the fuck you want.
EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION: Do Planets Have Feelings?
Of all the mysteries contained in this vast, wondrous universe, none has gripped philosophers, scientists, and amateur stargazers as tightly as one burning question, deceptively childlike in its simplicity yet so implacably difficult as to thwart centuries of tireless investigation by the world’s best minds. That question is, do planets have feelings? It’s a question […]
How To Make Sure Your Neighbors Notice Your Secret Sex Dungeon
For too long it’s been the norm to keep one’s sex shenanigans secret from thy neighbor. No more, we say. No more.
All The Reasons Why I’m Ready For Kids At The Age Of 23
I’m really good with kids because I understand them. Check out any kid and they’re most likely falling over, talking to themselves, or making crazy shit up. They’re basically me, mini-sized. So now that I’m an adult, and have spent 23 years without ‘em, I’m ready to get knocked up and pop out a few […]
Inacupuncture: Relieve Stress by Never Putting Needles in Your Face
I used to be an acupuncture fanatic, or as I liked to call it, an “acupunk.” But recently, I’ve found an even better form of stress relief: never putting needles anywhere in my body! Unlike acupuncture, which is complicated by pesky things like “the need for sterilization” and “a lack of rigorous scientific evidence,” inacupuncture […]
Chaxing: The Hot New Teen Trend Where You Give My Church One Half Of Your Salary
Parents hate it! Old people fear it! The government technically allows it under the Religious Liberty and Charitable Donation Protection Act of 1998! It seems that teens these days are scrambling to try out the hot new trend of church-taxing, or “chaxing.” It’s a lit craze that involves a 8323 tax form, one signed and […]
I Empathize With Women Who Experience Ovipositor Pain Or Whatever
I think the single most frustrating part of being a woman must be when men don’t take you seriously. As I was explaining to my sister the other day, this problem springs from a refusal to listen to and understand women’s issues. But as a strong male ally, I always completely get what women are […]
Free-bleeding: It’s Not Just For Periods Anymore
Free-bleeding during your period is, of course, one of the most intense and respectful ways to embody our connection with Gaia. When we allow our menstrual blood to saturate our Lululemons without processed, cancer-causing tampons or pads in the way, we acknowledge ourselves as women, as complete beings, and of course, as superior to Margot […]
What Is This Bird Box Service And Can I Order ‘Just The Beaks’?
Honestly, what is bird box and why are all of my friends talking about it?
The Feng Shui Sutra: Rearranging Furniture To Enhance Your Sex Life
We get it. Rearranging your heavy furniture just to change things up isn’t enticing enough to waste a weekend afternoon. But what if we told you there was a way to arrange your couch, side tables, and even that bowl of potpourri in a way that will harmonize your home with the erotic frequencies of […]