I No Longer Believe In Cage-Free Zoos Now That My Family Is Dead
The hyena ambush really sealed the deal.
Uh Oh, Duolingo Wants Us To Learn “The Speech Of The Owl God”
It’s also calling each new challenge “mandated knowledge”?
Deep Breathing Exercises For When Your Home Is Getting Robbed Right Now
Don’t let the stress of a home invasion get to you.
The Ferret Vagina Moon And Other Powerful Moon Phases We Just Made Up
Have you heard of the Waxing Ex Crescent moon?
Please Give Us 500 Dollars For Our Seminar That’s Already Been Canceled
We will not be offering refunds.
This Father’s Day, Deal With Your Daddy Issues By Yelling At Tombstones
Oh, you think that’s dark, do you? Let me tell you what’s dark, my breezy bunny child.
How To Discipline Your Stepson When You Were Both Class Of 2014
Being a stepmom is tough, but it can also be rewarding, like when your stepson begrudgingly says you can ride with him to your five-year high school reunion.
My Near Death Experience Taught Me I Love Work More Than My Family
I realized I was doing everything exactly right.
So Your Toddler Just Realized They’re Going To Die Someday
We’re all going to die someday, but dumb toddlers usually don’t figure that out so soon. Whoops.
I Owe My Newfound Confidence To Therapy And Stilts (Mostly Stilts)
The secret to rebuilding my confidence was admitting that I needed help – the help of a trusted therapist and of a pair of 5-foot-tall circus stilts.
I Foster My Son’s Creativity by Keeping Him in an Empty Room
I make sure my child’s creativity stays strong and vibrant by keeping him in an empty room.
How to Raise Your Boys to Be Feminists Who Also Rock at Magic
We need to teach our boys consent, mutual respect, and how to freaking rock at magic.
My Charming, Brilliant Leash Kid Should Be Able to Shit in Your Dog Park
My leash kid is on a leash. The dogs are on leashes. I don’t see the problem?
How to Listen to Your Body’s Needs Using 6 FT. of Hose and Some Lube
Self care is important. That’s why we want you to listen to your body. No, like REALLY listen to it. Know what we’re saying?
We Apologize for Endorsing Sex with Men
Having mulled over all the evidence since the dawn of time, we’ve realized that sex with men was an atrocious mistake, and we must apologize.
Planning the Perfect Ritualistic Maypole Party
If you’re gonna sacrifice a virgin, you better sacrifice a virgin the right way.
Sorry, but the Latest Self-Care Fad Is Letting Badgers Maul Your Genitals
Do animals put you in a better mood? Then you have to try the latest self-care trend, featuring adorable badgers! They’re cuddlier than they look!
We’ve Discovered an All-Natural Vaping Alternative Called ‘Tobacco’
This amazing new tobacco plant is all-natural and therefore must be healthy. Right?
If My Kids Love Me so Much, Why Won’t They Donate to My Patreon?
If My Kids Love Me So Much, Why Won’t They Donate To My Patreon
Why Macaulay Culkin Isn’t Concerned About His Net Worth
You really shouldn’t be concerned with Macaulay Culkin’s net worth if he isn’t.
We Put A Naked Lady Doing Yoga On This Article So You Will Click
Look, we all know you only browse yoga articles because maybe you’ll see a nipple or something. Whatever.
What Bathroom Stall You Use Based On Your Myers-Brigg Personality Type
We dove deep to find out exactly where you should be pooping. You’re welcome!
All Of The Ways Your Pet Hedgehog Has A Far Better Life Than You Ever Will
Sadly, you will never be able to experience the sheer, shit-eating bliss of being somebody’s beloved pet hedgehog. What an existence.
Identity Retreats: The Best Self-Care After You’ve Witnessed A Crime
I thought my life was over when I changed my identity and was forced into hiding. But boy was I wrong
Build Strong Relationships With Your Coworkers By Predicting Their Deaths
Hey Janice just wanted to let you know that sweater is super cute and also cancer but you’ve got like thirty years.
How I Used The Hinge App To Find The Smartest, Most Successful Exes
Based on my experience, these are hard rules (no exceptions) on how to catch the absolute perfect, most brilliant, driven person ever.
Upcycle Your Dead Dad’s Porn Magazines
We know you loved Dad, but we also know you love the environment more. Use this opportunity to teach everyone about the true beauty of upcycling.
How To Make Edible Slime In A Desperate Attempt To Connect With Your Kids
If your kid prefers squishing a disgusting substance between their fingers more than interacting with you, then congratulations, this guide is for you.
I’m Worried My Kids Aren’t Weird Enough For Homeschooling
Will they be able to keep up with all those little creeps, goobers, freak-balls and toenail chewers? I’m just not convinced.
Meet Our New Au Pair, The Goblin King
Finding an au pair you can trust with your child is no small task. But we’ve come across a winner, and we want to share him with you!
A Day In The Life: 18 Hours With Rami Malek (Before He Escaped)
We followed Rami Malek around to see what he gets up to, and then kidnapped him!
I’m An Introvert And I Need Every Person On Earth To Know It
Only after I personally tell every sentient creature that I’m super shy will the world finally understand my struggles as an introvert.
Use Your Wedding Gift Registry To Ensure Your Guests Know You Fuck Hard
Your wedding gift registry isn’t about tradition, it’s about letting guests know you can outscrew anyone, in explicit detail!
The Most Obnoxious Ways To Come Out As Sapiosexual
Some self-described Sapiosexuals are pansexual and pretentious, but others are just pretentious. You’re smart, you fuck smart, and everyone should know it.