We need to teach our boys consent, mutual respect, and how to freaking rock at magic.
My leash kid is on a leash. The dogs are on leashes. I don’t see the problem?
Self care is important. That’s why we want you to listen to your body. No, like REALLY listen to it. Know what we’re saying?
Having mulled over all the evidence since the dawn of time, we’ve realized that sex with men was an atrocious mistake, and we must apologize.
Do animals put you in a better mood? Then you have to try the latest self-care trend, featuring adorable badgers! They’re cuddlier than they look!
This amazing new tobacco plant is all-natural and therefore must be healthy. Right?
If My Kids Love Me So Much, Why Won’t They Donate To My Patreon
Look, we all know you only browse yoga articles because maybe you’ll see a nipple or something. Whatever.
We dove deep to find out exactly where you should be pooping. You’re welcome!
Sadly, you will never be able to experience the sheer, shit-eating bliss of being somebody’s beloved pet hedgehog. What an existence.
I thought my life was over when I changed my identity and was forced into hiding. But boy was I wrong
Based on my experience, these are hard rules (no exceptions) on how to catch the absolute perfect, most brilliant, driven person ever.
Hey Janice just wanted to let you know that sweater is super cute and also cancer but you’ve got like thirty years.
We know you loved Dad, but we also know you love the environment more. Use this opportunity to teach everyone about the true beauty of upcycling.
Will they be able to keep up with all those little creeps, goobers, freak-balls and toenail chewers? I’m just not convinced.
We followed Rami Malek around to see what he gets up to, and then kidnapped him!
We prefer cash. Thanks.
Your move, Edwina.
Your wedding gift registry isn’t about tradition, it’s about letting guests know you can outscrew anyone, in explicit detail!
Some self-described Sapiosexuals are pansexual and pretentious, but others are just pretentious. You’re smart, you fuck smart, and everyone should know it.
A few easy tricks to help soften the blow.
Don’t be a dick about it
I tried out this new Face/Off procedure so I could see what I could learn about my childhood in order to be able to exploit it for an internet article. Here is what I learned.
We believe in being introspective and learning about ourselves. That’s why we hired serious professionals to smell our farts.
We bought ourselves some gold-studded berets and launched a full-scale investigation. Yes, we were going to discover the true form of the French penis.
Worth it.
Or do you hate your children too much help them succeed?
They’re so inspirational!
Is it possible I jumped the gun?
It’s basically spiritual diarrhea!
But how can a gal turn her “Netflix and Chill” event into a fully-blown strap-attack? Here are some helpful movies and shows to get you started…
Ladies, these spring perfumes will strongly remember him of springs from long ago AND send him into a downward spiral over deep feelings of loss.
Remember, your sex life doesn’t need to follow the Geneva Convention, so just have fun with it!
Are our kids spending too much time plopped in front of their families, growing lazy from all that unconditional love? Heck yes!
It’s easy!
It feels good to unplug from society. It’s almost like Walden Pond, because Henry David Thoreau also had his mom nearby to help him out if he ever needed anything, like the password for the wifi.
Talk about your dumb luck.
If Dick Cheney had a period the Iraq war would have never been started because he would be too busy going to the hospital every full moon.
You aren’t paying all that money for someone to tell you you are wrong!
Your marriage is more like gold than you think, which is why you should invest in both your love and this incredibly stable currency form TODAY!
Each author on this list is more talented than all the men here combined.
Move over Fudgy the Whale, crude needle poke tattoos are the new big children’s party must-have of the year!
That’s right—working isn’t just for poor people.
Do you know what it’s like to have your child come home with a report card that says she’s “such a bright student and a joy to be around” but says nothing – nothing – about you?
