It’s so weird that most of us were scandalized when Prince William and Princess Kate decided to take on a third party into their marriage.
We asked our very own Bunny Ears team what they’ve always wanted from their Valentine. Pay attention! Chances are your special someone will want one of these romantic gifts too.
No need to thank us.
They’re working for exposure so we started off by exposing them to the measles!
If you gotta go, you gotta go mourned eternally by someone who found true love just to have it slip through their fingers by the cruelty of fate (and that double-decker bus.)
Full disclosure, your husband emailed to us because your sex life sounds like a mess.
Because therapy is expensive.
And wind chimes!
Crystals are supposed to manifest health and power but all I manifested was my swift and brutal downfall.
If you breed your children, you’re literally worse than a hypothetical love child made from the union of Hitler and Stalin, who was then was nannied by Pol Pot.
Now the little green owl will guilt you into learning the language of the lowly and the downtrodden!
I couldn’t be more thrilled.
Glaring at strangers is the newest most innovative way to cut out time wasted on your phone.
Seriously just fucking take them.
Read it and then provide at least several pages of feedback and suggestions. The talking hippo is named Everett and he mostly screams.
Live in the natural squalor you deserve.
The guy can really use the help, and I’m here to give it to him one 90 mile-an-hour moonstone fastball at a time.
I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!
This is your special time! Turn every possible opportunity into your favor.
With the right team of professionals, your child can avoid any and all consequences.
Because why shouldn’t they learn from your fears?
The bros got Vince through eight seasons and one movie.
Get that guy fired—your way.
Wow! This is the hardest task I’ve ever tried to tackle for Bunny Ears you guys.
Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.
(Jerking off outside.)
Even if the people who own the zoo keep telling you to please stop doing that.
No one else feels lonely. Ever. It’s just you, the person reading this piece right now.
The toilet is where the pee-pee and poops leave your body,
A good doula is duty-bound to help you do things your way!
Everyone loves Jane. No one likes me. So, Jane seemed like the perfect resolution.
It won’t be long before your child starts to crave the dark. No more crying when you put them to bed!
Building a tiny walled prison is one of those chores that demands attention but doesn’t excite your passion.
A therapist is just someone you pay to listen and be nice to you. At Trader Joe’s they do it for free.
Literally.
Immortality is now just a click away.
This year, my goal is to get shwiggity fuckin’ shwasted, and I can’t wait to get to it!
Santa is the ultimate space daddy and now you may want to get your own but stay away!
It’s the only way.
If my husband so much as touches a Christmas cookie again I’m leaving!
And don’t forget to buy my companion book!
Same time, same place, same genetics. Eh, with modern dating, who has time to care about all three?
When was the last time a litter of helpless newborn kittens did anything nice for YOU?
It started when I saw three mysterious figures dancing around a barrel fire in the sewer.
