What’s Sex With A Man Like? Our Writers Want To Know
We’ve heard about it in rap songs and on pamphlets, and we know it must at least be as great as McDonald’s because those are the two things they miss most on Orange Is the New Black. But what’s it really like?
10 Futhark Runes That Will Totally Make You Cum
For your next romantic evening in, why not try one (or all!) of the following runes, hand-selected by Church elders, to get those juices flowing?
Time To Send Your Kids To Summer Camp, But Which Cult Should You Choose?
Summer is the perfect time for your children to engage in holistic learning. However, this can be hard to accomplish at home, especially when you have plans to attend a tropical resort clinic to learn mindful breathing while on a Mai Tai cleanse. So to ensure that your Precious Little Ones get the most out […]
The Beginner’s Guide to Regretting Buying That Turtle
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better […]
Best Practices: How to Care For Your Servants
Let’s face it – it’s not easy to live adjacent to wealth and status. That’s why it’s important to take the time to make your servants feel appreciated. Now before you spit out your mimosa and have FedEx send a printed copy of this article to your home via bike messenger so that you can […]
How To Channel The Energy Of The Child Workers And Dead Birds Trapped In Your Healing Crystals
Hello, crystal fans! If you’ve been keeping up with my column, Crystal Chronicles, then by now you’ve heard the bad news: some of our beloved healing crystals are being sourced from mines with lax labor and environmental laws. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo, children as young as seven work in mines. In Myanmar, […]
We Talked To Some Unsuccessful, But Very Spiritual People About Their Work Habits
Do you find it hard to stay motivated in both your professional life and your spiritual one? Don’t despair! We asked some of the most spiritual people we could find to tell us how they find that all-important balance, and we think you’ll find their answers… enlightening. Krystal, 27 (Yoga Instructor) “Yoga is obviously extremely […]
RepubliZen: Enlightened Republican Quotes From Our Conservative Users
Lifestyle. It’s a word that calls to mind helpful communities like ours, lavender-scented miscellany, and older couples who like to swing. Yet, all too often, our favorite web genre sub-designation gets tangled up with a set of leftists ideals, things that might make our zen-seeking Republican brothers, sisters, and inter-gender comrades in the elephant jammies confused […]
4 Steamy Sex Tips for Spicing Up the Bedroom
Are you and your partner missing that spark? Has the once fiery passion that burned between you like a throbbing Adonis somehow dulled into the cool flaccidity of Meatloaf’s neck flap? Even if you were forced to bring great shame to your house by answering “yes” to the previous questions, don’t despair! There is hope […]
What’s All This, Then? Objectively, Nothing Matters, So … Fuck It?
Seriously. Do whatever the fuck you want.
EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION: Do Planets Have Feelings?
Of all the mysteries contained in this vast, wondrous universe, none has gripped philosophers, scientists, and amateur stargazers as tightly as one burning question, deceptively childlike in its simplicity yet so implacably difficult as to thwart centuries of tireless investigation by the world’s best minds. That question is, do planets have feelings? It’s a question […]
How To Make Sure Your Neighbors Notice Your Secret Sex Dungeon
For too long it’s been the norm to keep one’s sex shenanigans secret from thy neighbor. No more, we say. No more.
All The Reasons Why I’m Ready For Kids At The Age Of 23
I’m really good with kids because I understand them. Check out any kid and they’re most likely falling over, talking to themselves, or making crazy shit up. They’re basically me, mini-sized. So now that I’m an adult, and have spent 23 years without ‘em, I’m ready to get knocked up and pop out a few […]
Inacupuncture: Relieve Stress by Never Putting Needles in Your Face
I used to be an acupuncture fanatic, or as I liked to call it, an “acupunk.” But recently, I’ve found an even better form of stress relief: never putting needles anywhere in my body! Unlike acupuncture, which is complicated by pesky things like “the need for sterilization” and “a lack of rigorous scientific evidence,” inacupuncture […]
Chaxing: The Hot New Teen Trend Where You Give My Church One Half Of Your Salary
Parents hate it! Old people fear it! The government technically allows it under the Religious Liberty and Charitable Donation Protection Act of 1998! It seems that teens these days are scrambling to try out the hot new trend of church-taxing, or “chaxing.” It’s a lit craze that involves a 8323 tax form, one signed and […]
I Empathize With Women Who Experience Ovipositor Pain Or Whatever
I think the single most frustrating part of being a woman must be when men don’t take you seriously. As I was explaining to my sister the other day, this problem springs from a refusal to listen to and understand women’s issues. But as a strong male ally, I always completely get what women are […]
Free-bleeding: It’s Not Just For Periods Anymore
Free-bleeding during your period is, of course, one of the most intense and respectful ways to embody our connection with Gaia. When we allow our menstrual blood to saturate our Lululemons without processed, cancer-causing tampons or pads in the way, we acknowledge ourselves as women, as complete beings, and of course, as superior to Margot […]
What Is This Bird Box Service And Can I Order ‘Just The Beaks’?
Honestly, what is bird box and why are all of my friends talking about it?
The Feng Shui Sutra: Rearranging Furniture To Enhance Your Sex Life
We get it. Rearranging your heavy furniture just to change things up isn’t enticing enough to waste a weekend afternoon. But what if we told you there was a way to arrange your couch, side tables, and even that bowl of potpourri in a way that will harmonize your home with the erotic frequencies of […]
Relationship Tips: A Handsy Guide To Touching The Butt
We as a society place a lot of restrictions on ourselves when it comes to relationships. But I’m here to let you know it’s OK to be spontaneous. Happy, even! As long as your sexual proclivities are between two (or more) consenting adults you can just feel free to go right on and let your […]
Help! My Spirit Animal Is A Shark And Keeps Biting Me In The Pool
I have a serious medical/spiritual condition that people desperately need to made more aware of. Kids today are going crazy for spirit animals but they are not aware how harmful and dangerous they can be. Everyone thinks finding out your spirit animal will be fun and enlightening, but in reality, it could end with you […]
I Think My Talkspace Therapist Is Just A German Shepherd With A Phone
I don’t know how it works, but it does!
Which Of Your Favorite Childhood Heroes Has Big Dick Energy?
In our identity-obsessed culture, it’s dangerous to put people in boxes—both literally and figuratively. But while there’s no one way to define a soul, there are definitely strong universal energies which we all possess that help define who we are. And today, I want to talk specifically about Big Dick Energy (BDE). Everyone and their […]
How To Stop Calling Your Personal Trainer At 3AM To Yell JUST LET ME BE FAT BRAD
Having a personal trainer is great but who likes working out? Why move your body around like a poor building rocks for money or whatever when you could just wait for a sexy android body to come on the market someday? It’s tough; the urge to call your personal trainer at 3AM to screech JUST […]
How To Win The Social Media “Most Wounded Person” Award
Despondence and self-loathing suck, but what sucks even more is not profiting from yours. How often have you been on Facebook or Twitter, complaining that your life is a bleak pit of despair, only for someone to come along and mention that, in addition to their near unspeakable level of existential malaise, their cat just […]
Science Says Intelligent People Have Bad Habits, So I’m Clearly A Genius
I forgot to pay a parking ticket because it was buried under greasy KFC boxes and dead spiders on my desk.
How To Meditate Without Being Consumed By Memories Of That Thing You Did
When you close your eyes, focus on your breathing, and find peace in the silence, you will inevitably find yourself fighting back the memory of that thing you did that time. That horrible, horrible thing. Without a bevy of distractions to keep the memory at bay, the look in their eyes as your victim slowly […]
Relaxing Tai Chi Moves That Gently Push Your Farts Toward Your Enemies
Reduce stress with Tai Chi through a series of fluid motions that clear away negative air and gently push your farts toward your enemies.
All-Natural Cures For Depression That Are Just Bubble Baths
The concept of “self-care” has a rich and storied history. It began in mental health circles as, like, setting reminders to at least try to brush your teeth when you can’t get out of bed for two weeks. So boring! According to the top spiritual health and wellness gurus, what you really need to break […]
How To Tell Your Girlfriend You’re Just A Bunch of Cats
Hi! I’m Daniel O’Brien, author, friend, and retired rollerblader. I’ve never claimed to have all the answers and I didn’t start out writing because I wanted or expected to get into the advice business. But I’m a public-facing person who is both happy and successful and can generally navigate most situations with some degree of […]
How To Get All Those Toxic Metals Out Of Your Blood With A Magnet Cleanse
Have you been feeling sluggish lately? Are you finding it more and more difficult to keep your brunch dates, or even make it to dog yoga on time without damaging your pooch’s sleep cycle? Well the reason for your leaden behind is exactly that – lead. That’s right – as you read this, countless toxic […]
Winter Project: How To Gussy Up Your Favorite Glory Hole!
Is the hole in the wall of a public bathroom through which you do unspeakable things starting to look a bit rundown? Then you need an extreme glory hole makeover, buddy.
The Perfect Sex Positions Based On Your Socio-Economic Level
What do sex and socio-economics have in common? A lot more than you think, my fine mammalian friend. See it turns out (as proven by many VERY very good academic studies! Just trust me!) that human beings bang best when fulfilling their own economic role in the bedroom. Fear not though, for we’ve curated a […]
Ways to Relax When You’re Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop
Because things can go horribly wrong at literally any moment.
Which Christmas Tree Is Right For Your Empty, Loveless Apartment?
Deck the halls with a perfect Christmas tree, you absolutely miserable bastard.
How To Make Edible Slime In A Desperate Attempt To Connect With Your Kids
If your kid prefers squishing a disgusting substance between their fingers more than interacting with you, then congratulations, this guide is for you.
Absolute Must-Have Horoscope #SquadsGoals (Finally In One Place)!
Horoscope squads, assemble! While every horoscope sign is unique, there’s no denying that some traits overlap and form some seriously awesome squads! Study up, figure out the traits that you have in common, and learn how to slay your way through the month of May, bae! The Most Likely To Fake a Sick Day Squad: […]