Relationship Tips: A Handsy Guide To Touching The Butt
We as a society place a lot of restrictions on ourselves when it comes to relationships. But I’m here to let you know it’s OK to be spontaneous. Happy, even! As long as your sexual proclivities are between two (or more) consenting adults you can just feel free to go right on and let your […]
Help! My Spirit Animal Is A Shark And Keeps Biting Me In The Pool
I have a serious medical/spiritual condition that people desperately need to made more aware of. Kids today are going crazy for spirit animals but they are not aware how harmful and dangerous they can be. Everyone thinks finding out your spirit animal will be fun and enlightening, but in reality, it could end with you […]
I Think My Talkspace Therapist Is Just A German Shepherd With A Phone
I don’t know how it works, but it does!
Which Of Your Favorite Childhood Heroes Has Big Dick Energy?
In our identity-obsessed culture, it’s dangerous to put people in boxes—both literally and figuratively. But while there’s no one way to define a soul, there are definitely strong universal energies which we all possess that help define who we are. And today, I want to talk specifically about Big Dick Energy (BDE). Everyone and their […]
How To Win The Social Media “Most Wounded Person” Award
Despondence and self-loathing suck, but what sucks even more is not profiting from yours. How often have you been on Facebook or Twitter, complaining that your life is a bleak pit of despair, only for someone to come along and mention that, in addition to their near unspeakable level of existential malaise, their cat just […]
Science Says Intelligent People Have Bad Habits, So I’m Clearly A Genius
I forgot to pay a parking ticket because it was buried under greasy KFC boxes and dead spiders on my desk.
How To Meditate Without Being Consumed By Memories Of That Thing You Did
When you close your eyes, focus on your breathing, and find peace in the silence, you will inevitably find yourself fighting back the memory of that thing you did that time. That horrible, horrible thing. Without a bevy of distractions to keep the memory at bay, the look in their eyes as your victim slowly […]
Relaxing Tai Chi Moves That Gently Push Your Farts Toward Your Enemies
Reduce stress with Tai Chi through a series of fluid motions that clear away negative air and gently push your farts toward your enemies.
All-Natural Cures For Depression That Are Just Bubble Baths
The concept of “self-care” has a rich and storied history. It began in mental health circles as, like, setting reminders to at least try to brush your teeth when you can’t get out of bed for two weeks. So boring! According to the top spiritual health and wellness gurus, what you really need to break […]
How To Tell Your Girlfriend You’re Just A Bunch of Cats
Hi! I’m Daniel O’Brien, author, friend, and retired rollerblader. I’ve never claimed to have all the answers and I didn’t start out writing because I wanted or expected to get into the advice business. But I’m a public-facing person who is both happy and successful and can generally navigate most situations with some degree of […]
How To Get All Those Toxic Metals Out Of Your Blood With A Magnet Cleanse
Have you been feeling sluggish lately? Are you finding it more and more difficult to keep your brunch dates, or even make it to dog yoga on time without damaging your pooch’s sleep cycle? Well the reason for your leaden behind is exactly that – lead. That’s right – as you read this, countless toxic […]
Winter Project: How To Gussy Up Your Favorite Glory Hole!
Is the hole in the wall of a public bathroom through which you do unspeakable things starting to look a bit rundown? Then you need an extreme glory hole makeover, buddy.
The Perfect Sex Positions Based On Your Socio-Economic Level
What do sex and socio-economics have in common? A lot more than you think, my fine mammalian friend. See it turns out (as proven by many VERY very good academic studies! Just trust me!) that human beings bang best when fulfilling their own economic role in the bedroom. Fear not though, for we’ve curated a […]
Ways to Relax When You’re Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop
Because things can go horribly wrong at literally any moment.
Which Christmas Tree Is Right For Your Empty, Loveless Apartment?
Deck the halls with a perfect Christmas tree, you absolutely miserable bastard.
How To Make Edible Slime In A Desperate Attempt To Connect With Your Kids
If your kid prefers squishing a disgusting substance between their fingers more than interacting with you, then congratulations, this guide is for you.
Absolute Must-Have Horoscope #SquadsGoals (Finally In One Place)!
Horoscope squads, assemble! While every horoscope sign is unique, there’s no denying that some traits overlap and form some seriously awesome squads! Study up, figure out the traits that you have in common, and learn how to slay your way through the month of May, bae! The Most Likely To Fake a Sick Day Squad: […]
Sex Positions That Will Shock The Ghost Of That Victorian Prude
The spirit of Desdemona Turnerwood thinks you’re “vile, truly vile!”
How to Pretend to Like Your Kids For Instagram
Once you reach a certain age, keeping a few tiny clones of yourself as pets is an essential part of your image, but, ugh, they are such a drag. By the time you’ve minimally fed, bathed, and clothed those disgusting creatures, you hardly have any time left for underwater pilates or your bullet journal ghostwriter. […]
Save Your Marriage After You Wrecked It Following Our Marriage Advice
It’s not okay to go on vacation and have an affair. We should have known that. That’s on us. But also, you should have known not to take that advice, so that’s on you, too.
Stop Saying I Have Daddy Issues Just Because I Call Them My Dead Gary Issues
I’d like to send a message to all the men I’ve dated, am currently dating, and who moved out of state after I emotionally ruined them. That message is: One cannot have “daddy issues” when they have no daddy physically present on this planet to give provide them with said issues. When I bring up my […]
It’s Me, The Guy At This Party Who Will Definitely Try To Crack Your Back!
I know you’re just minding your own business, and as a grown up, you probably don’t want to be lifted off the ground. But let me crack your back. Please.
The Rejuvenating Powers Of Sand
The Rejuvenating Powers Of Sand By “Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially Don’t be afraid, former sea-creature. We are all children of the ocean, having long ago emerged to walk the earth in the ancient year of 360 BC. Most historians wouldn’t tell you that, but of course, most […]
How To Actualize Your Healing With Wellness Therapy
Follow my easy method for actualizing your mental and/or physical healing with wellness therapy.
Signs Your Time-Traveling Husband Has A Second Family In 1886
It’s never a positive sign if your husband is suddenly snapped back to 2019 without any clothes on and a slightly sweaty sheen to him.
Deep Breathing Exercises For When Your Home Is Getting Robbed Right Now
Don’t let the stress of a home invasion get to you.
I’m Only Taking Parenting Advice From Killer Whales From Now On
Killer whales have dominated the mommy game lately, which is why I’m now only communicating with my children with squeaking and nose bumps.
Spice Up Your Open Relationship By Competing To Screw The Most Neighbors!
Modern love is a strange, exhausting experience.
Quiz: Which ‘They Don’t Think It Be Like It Is, But It Do’ Are You?
They don’t think it be like it is! But it do.
For The Last Time, I’m An Electrician, Not An Energy Healer
I truly don’t know how much clearer I can be on this.
Back-To-School Sales For Regressing Back To When You Had Hope
Yes, the earth is dying, but check out these glitter pens!