Reaching Spiritual Enlightenment Via Taco Bell’s Taco 12-Pack.
Very few mortals have unlocked the true potential of Taco Bell’s taco 12-pack. I can’t blame them for not taking the plunge. But I say ‘Live Mas’
Mobile Board Yoga Is Revolutionizing The Fitness And Wellness World
Mobile board yoga, the newest Hollywood fitness craze, is the real deal.
Forget Those Beginner Witch Kits, We’ll Send You Actual Blood And Skulls
Step up to Flavor Town, witches. We have a beginner witch kit that will totally Fairuza your Balk and put you on the path to casting wicked spells.
A Guide To Communing With Your Spirit Animal Through Our 84-inch 4K TV
Seeking a spirit animal can be hard, so we recommend this LG Electronics 84-Inch Cinema 3D 4K Ultra HD 120hz Smart TV with six pairs of 3D glasses purchased through our amazon affiliate link!
Relaxing Tai Chi Moves That Gently Push Your Farts Toward Your Enemies
Reduce stress with Tai Chi through a series of fluid motions that clear away negative air and gently push your farts toward your enemies.
Bring Meaning To Your Life With This New Wellness Product
Sometimes it feels like, no matter how large your crystal collection, no matter how many organic recipes you master, it’s simply never enough to fill the void you feel tugging at your soul.
Meditative Things White People Can Do While Black People Attempt To Explain White Privilege
There are many ways to handle being called out by black people, so here are our favorites!
What Your Favorite Color Says About The Day You’ll Die
Your favorite color reveals both your preferences for physical and spiritual connections, but also some pretty graphic details about how you’ll snuff it.
6 Stages Of WTF When Your Meditation Teacher Says ‘Marinate’ Instead Of ‘Meditate’
You’re focusing on trying to enter a zone of heightened consciousness, but your guided meditation instructor keeps saying ‘marinate’ instead of ‘meditate.’
Rid Yourself Of Bad Energy By Putting Your Electrical Appliances On Trial
Negative energy is the most underrated problem affecting your everyday life—and it mostly comes from your nefarious electrical appliances.
10 Futhark Runes That Will Totally Make You Cum
For your next romantic evening in, why not try one (or all!) of the following runes, hand-selected by Church elders, to get those juices flowing?
Save The Bees So I Can Keep Using Their Venom To Get High
Bees are dying and we need to save them to maintain the human food supply and let me use their stingers to trip balls on the regular.
Please Stop Trying To Cleanse My House of Evil Spirits, They Do The Dishes
It happens every time: I invite a friend over for brunch, a tarot reading, or an intravenous drug party, and they soon notice that my house is clearly haunted. It’s admittedly hard to miss— objects fly around seemingly of their their volition, and there’s that faint, creepy whispering from deep within the walls. I try to […]
I Tried Nu Metal Primal Scream Therapy And Now I Baw Wit A Newfound Sense Of Oh Wah Ah Ah Ah
I’m not typically so skeptical on first introductions. I’ve tried a lot of non-traditional therapies. I had to admit, however, that the atmosphere of this waiting room was … unusual. The receptionist was covered in silver body paint and wearing what looked like paintball safety gear. An entire wall of the room was devoted to […]
What’s All This Then: Bunny Ears Determines That Free Will Is A Lie
Bunny Ears knows that your quest for spiritual wellness takes many forms. During the day you may just need to know how much flaxseed to add to your oatmeal to get you through that staff meeting. But at night you’re haunted by bigger questions: Why are we here? Where are we going? Or, as we […]
Free-bleeding: It’s Not Just For Periods Anymore
Free-bleeding during your period is, of course, one of the most intense and respectful ways to embody our connection with Gaia. When we allow our menstrual blood to saturate our Lululemons without processed, cancer-causing tampons or pads in the way, we acknowledge ourselves as women, as complete beings, and of course, as superior to Margot […]
Life Lessons I Learned From The Feral Children Living In The Woods Behind My Home
As a trendsetter, you grow accustomed to learning new things in surprising places. I wouldn’t be the daring style icon I am today if I weren’t ready to adopt fashion ideas from, say, nature, or unexpected encounters with people below my income bracket, or even the various diverse cultures that my ancestors helped to oppress. […]
Why Stop at the Placenta? Go Ahead and Eat the Whole Baby
Unless you’ve been living in a cave or some other appropriately yonic remote dwelling, you’ve probably heard about the practice of placentophagia. Celebrities from Kim Kardashian to Mayim Bialik have scarfed the ol’ babybag. Eating the placenta after giving birth may help you replenish your iron supplies or boost your mood. What you may not […]
Help! My Dog Ate My Tarot Deck and Now She is Vibing VERY Major Arcana
I love writing for Bunny Ears, because our readers are so knowledgeable! They’ve got a perfectly manicured grip on so many topics, from crystal healing to crystal decorating. That’s why, instead of advising you on romantic woes and pelvic architecture, I now turn to you for help. Yesterday, my dog ate my tarot deck, and […]
I Slept With Your Wife Because Everything Happens For a Reason
The universe is a funny place. It may seem cold and inscrutable, but a spiritual person like me can recognize that it has a habit of punishing vices and rewarding virtues. Why, just the other day, an alcoholic acquaintance of mine was diagnosed with cirrhosis. If that wasn’t the universe trying to send him a […]
I Tried Isolation Floating and Became the Baby from “2001: A Space Odyssey,” So Please Don’t Look at My Little Space Dick
I never thought I’d be saying this, but here I am: I floated in a sensory deprivation tank and turned into the baby from 2001: A Space Odyssey. I feel like I might be one with the universe but mostly I’m pretty stressed about being naked and worried everyone is going to see my space […]
What To Do When You’re Ready To Be Reclaimed By The Sea
It’s a scientific fact that humankind evolved from an ancient ancestor that crawled out of the ocean and onto the shore. It’s also a known fact that all men (and women!) must return to the sea one day and once more live among the fish and dolphins. Traditionally, most people have waited until their seventies or eighties […]
Reduce Stress By Giving Up On Real Life And Living In A Lucid Dream
Life is…not great. You’ve been at your job for nearly three years and there’s zero chance of a promotion. The guy you’ve been seeing for months refuses to call himself your boyfriend. Your favorite clothes are falling apart or—almost worse—don’t even fit any more. You go to the doctor, and he basically tells you to […]
They’re Just Like Us! My Dog Is Also Clinically Depressed
Dogs are amazing creatures. They’re intelligent, empathetic, and they care so much about their owners that, at times, they even come to resemble them. Why, just take my adorable li’l pupper! When I watch tennis on TV, he’s right there with me following the ball, and even pawing at it with his foofins! And when […]
BREAKING NEWS: Bunny Ears Has Settled Our Live Wolf Therapy Lawsuit
In the interest of full disclosure, Bunny Ears, LLC would like to announce that we have reached a $145,000 settlement with the FTC regarding our promotion of live wolf therapy. Furthermore, we have agreed to reimburse any reader who attended a live wolf therapy session hosted or endorsed by Bunny Ears and felt misled as […]
Spiritual Harassment: Are You A Victim?
Thanks to the #MeToo movement and a slew of high-profile cases, sexual harassment in the workplace is more widely-discussed than ever. But did you know there are other kinds of harassment? Today, we here at Bunny Ears would like to talk to you about spiritual harassment. It’s time to put an end to this workplace […]
Balance Your Masculine and Feminine Energies By Almost Beating a Man to Death and Nurturing Him Back to Health
As magical women of the mother moon, we are blessed with the abilities to glide through existence in tune with both the feminine and masculine parts of our souls. Every day offers a new balance, as we want to be both coyly sensual, the living embodiment of a Shakespearean paramour, as much as we encapsulate […]
Forget Rejuvenation! Get Gordon Ramsay To Yell Angry Encouragement At Your Vagina
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery is very popular among rich, straight, cis female readers, but is it really necessary? After all, most of those readers don’t realize their husband definitely fucked a couch in middle school. Your vagina is perfectly fine the way it is—men will have sex with it and literally anything else on the planet. […]
How to Break The Mindset That You Can Do Anything You Set Your Mind To
A wise man I called “Dad,” though that may or may not have been his name, once sat me on his knee and said “Son, you ain’t shit.” What followed were two hours of the most important, and unprompted, verbal abuse I’ve ever received. Too many people nowadays think that they can “do anything as long […]
I’m A Furry: Is Breastfeeding My Baby Still Vegan?
Being ethical can be tricky. On the one hand, I think consuming any product (including milk) made from the labor or bodies of animals is immoral. And on the other hoof, part of my lifestyle is dressing up as my fursona, a pink cow named “Moonica.” And therein lies the rub: can I breastfeed my […]
Beautiful Inspirational Quotes That Will Definitely Piss Off The Person You’re Directing Them At
It can be hard to express your true feelings. That’s why inspirational quotes are so great! Why think of something poignant yourself when you could just use Google? When it’s hard for me to find the words I need all I have to do is turn to Instagram where I can find exactly what I […]
How To Win The Social Media “Most Wounded Person” Award
Despondence and self-loathing suck, but what sucks even more is not profiting from yours. How often have you been on Facebook or Twitter, complaining that your life is a bleak pit of despair, only for someone to come along and mention that, in addition to their near unspeakable level of existential malaise, their cat just […]
Which Of Your Favorite Childhood Heroes Has Big Dick Energy?
In our identity-obsessed culture, it’s dangerous to put people in boxes—both literally and figuratively. But while there’s no one way to define a soul, there are definitely strong universal energies which we all possess that help define who we are. And today, I want to talk specifically about Big Dick Energy (BDE). Everyone and their […]
Improve Your Feng Shui Exclusively Through Heavy Metal Posters
So y’all won’t believe what I found in a free bin in front of Green Noise Records here in Portland. Long before Bunny Ears was a website, it was a grungy hand-printed zine. The vibe was similar, but the times were different. It was less about detoxing heavy metals and more about embracing heavy metal. […]
Inacupuncture: Relieve Stress by Never Putting Needles in Your Face
I used to be an acupuncture fanatic, or as I liked to call it, an “acupunk.” But recently, I’ve found an even better form of stress relief: never putting needles anywhere in my body! Unlike acupuncture, which is complicated by pesky things like “the need for sterilization” and “a lack of rigorous scientific evidence,” inacupuncture […]
I Misunderstood The Glass Skin Trend And Does Anyone Have A Tourniquet?
I was so excited to try out this trend. I was skeptical at first. How could this possibly work? But several of my Insta friends have had amazing success. So, there had to be something to it, right? Still, the thought of mashing up glass and rubbing it all over my skin … What possible […]
Help! My Timed Meditation App Just Keeps Foretelling My Death!
I’ve been wanting to incorporate healthier, more productive habits into my life for ages, but somehow, I just couldn’t take the leap. Take meditation. Who has time for it? How do you know when to stop? How do you keep heavily distorted ’80s sitcom themes with the lyrics replaced by a demon chorus singing blasphemous […]
Using Free Public Electric Scooters For A Week Changed The Way I Commit Hit and Runs
It’s only been a week and already the local initiative to provide a fleet of free, easily accessible electric scooters to the public has me feeling like my car is an unnecessary extravagance. Why do I need all of that machinery to get to my buddy’s place up the street, or to run over random […]
Help! My Spirit Animal Is A Shark And Keeps Biting Me In The Pool
I have a serious medical/spiritual condition that people desperately need to made more aware of. Kids today are going crazy for spirit animals but they are not aware how harmful and dangerous they can be. Everyone thinks finding out your spirit animal will be fun and enlightening, but in reality, it could end with you […]
All-Natural Cures For Depression That Are Just Bubble Baths
The concept of “self-care” has a rich and storied history. It began in mental health circles as, like, setting reminders to at least try to brush your teeth when you can’t get out of bed for two weeks. So boring! According to the top spiritual health and wellness gurus, what you really need to break […]
Lydia Tries It! Going An Entire Day Without Telling Anyone I’m A Leo
A few weeks ago I was challenged by Bunny Ears’ editor-in-chief Shawn DePasquale to not mention my star sign to anyone for an entire day (it’s Leo). “You want me to not mention my star sign TO ANYONE for 24 whole hours and write about it?” I asked. He sighed deeply and replied “I guess if […]
Our Vaginal Jade Eggs Hatched Into Vaginal Jade Birds and the Pain is Unimaginable
Last spring, Bunny Ears introduced the world to the tremendous healing energy of vaginal jade eggs. Our bunny holes are powerful incubators of life—so powerful that the jade eggs we stuck up there hatched into vaginal jade birds. Now, we are thrilled to stop screaming in agony long enough to describe the pain we are […]
Chaxing: The Hot New Teen Trend Where You Give My Church One Half Of Your Salary
Parents hate it! Old people fear it! The government technically allows it under the Religious Liberty and Charitable Donation Protection Act of 1998! It seems that teens these days are scrambling to try out the hot new trend of church-taxing, or “chaxing.” It’s a lit craze that involves a 8323 tax form, one signed and […]
How To Use Dreams To Manifest Your True Power And Also Defeat That Blade-Fingered Snarling Boogeyman Who Keeps Stalking You For Some Reason
Rejoice, my sweet followers! While the Church Of False-Vestigially regularly discovers many a miracle that we share in our weekly digital newsletter (purchase your subscription at one of my many web pages), there rarely comes such a powerful gift as what I’ve been bestowed so recently. It happened last Fourth of July as I was […]
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…