Lifestyle

Let’s throw up together!

Honestly, who goes ‘Oh a mug? Fantastic, that’s what I’ve always wanted and had no idea how to get’

Let’s see the guys down at Home Depot do this!

Because fuck shirts. Except ours, you should buy ours with that link to your right.

And so I’ve fulfilled all legal requirements to write off this trip on my taxes!

There are so many more fluids to exploit!

“Boy, do I miss Obama! Merry X-Mas!”

Really thought Europe would teach us how to love again.

So, what’s it gonna be? You a man with a big C? Double N? What are we gonna do here

It is his right to choose what I know is best for him.

This month’s Bunny Ears horoscope will tell you which venereal disease you have at this very moment while you’re reading this.

I would honestly wreck B-list Dad actor Deidrich Bader.

Breathtaking.

There was literally no way to prevent this.

Teach that stupid furball to stop being such a basic bitch

And not even one of the good subs

It’s sure to probably work. Maybe?

He was known as The Captain back then.

He’s just as untamable as any beast.

This third one definitely won’t help with your crippling social anxiety!

Whenever you’re about to do something, stop to think “Would a happy person do this?” If the answer is no, recalibrate your plans.

His name and intent remain unknown.

Don’t even bother trying to cover up that horrible potato head

This is your chance to be part of something amazing!

I know, it sounds ludicrous, but I assure you this is no joke.

If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand.

We really meant to get into this whole workout thing, but then we just got carried away with the fucking. You get it, right?

Because nothing feels as good as fitting into designer skinny jeans. Not even love.

Not to be confused for 3AM recipes.

How do you decide where to go to find inner peace and hopefully an affair with someone whose voice doesn’t make you wish you would just die already.

Fucking again with this shit?

Prawns. What are they? Do they have feelings? Most importantly, are they different from shrimp?

Which one is worse though?

Free yourself of sinus infections once and for all (and confound investigators).

I am not a scarecrow. I WAS AT YOUR WEDDING, DOUG!

I swear to fucking God they better after all of this bullshit I went through this year.

Why is Thanksgiving so damn complicated?

It isn’t worth it, just stay home.

Hey James, fuck you you disgusting shit. Everyone else, please learn to accept your body as it is!

She was a piece of work.

The night gave way to passion. But now it’s morning, and you have to get the fuck out of here without everyone at this wedding knowing.

The Church Of False-Vestigially has implemented a state-of-the-art health program with only a 40% failure* rate. It’s called the “LSD Hole Diet,” and it’s totally shaking up the diet world.