Lifestyle

Fake it until you make it! And by “it” I mean “identity theft”

I tried out this new Face/Off procedure so I could see what I could learn about my childhood in order to be able to exploit it for an internet article. Here is what I learned.

We believe in being introspective and learning about ourselves. That’s why we hired serious professionals to smell our farts.

We bought ourselves some gold-studded berets and launched a full-scale investigation.  Yes, we were going to discover the true form of the French penis.

Worth it.

It’s that time of year again!

Oh gross, they barfed in this excerpt. C’mon!

I’m mortified just thinking of what to write here!

They’re like regular hickeys, but on your butt.

Hint: You’re not going to want to go anywhere near a What Kind of Fast Food are You Based on Your Zodiac article if you’re a Pisces!

Every dad has a pants pickle ready to tickle, but we don’t always put it out there in the best light. Well that ends now.

Or do you hate your children too much help them succeed?

There are so many substances you can use to masturbate. All that I ask is that you don’t use my luxurious moisturizer. It’s not too much to ask, is it?

It’s only a matter of time.

They’re so inspirational!

And we’re collectively pretending they taste good, too!

Is it possible I jumped the gun?

Are you a man who struggles to find comfortable underwear? Don’t worry; you’re not alone, and we share in your annoyance and anger.

Time to roll up your sleeves, roll down your waistband, and tend to an indent herb garden of your own.

Never read “Little Women”? Now you have time!

It’s a conversation every parent should have with their child.

Your mom’s sensible beige bra is going to look soooo good on you.

It’s basically spiritual diarrhea!

But how can a gal turn her “Netflix and Chill” event into a fully-blown strap-attack? Here are some helpful movies and shows to get you started…

Ladies, these spring perfumes will strongly remember him of springs from long ago AND send him into a downward spiral over deep feelings of loss.

More than 150 million Americans play video games, many online. And from what we’ve heard, online gaming is apparently one of the most toxic environments around.

We heard one of these recipes made Emma Stone shit in a bush once!

Remember, your sex life doesn’t need to follow the Geneva Convention, so just have fun with it!

Love Yourself And Others Will Follow, Even The Paid Actors Pretending To Be Your Parents.

Are our kids spending too much time plopped in front of their families, growing lazy from all that unconditional love? Heck yes!

It’s easy!

It feels good to unplug from society. It’s almost like Walden Pond, because Henry David Thoreau also had his mom nearby to help him out if he ever needed anything, like the password for the wifi.

Talk about your dumb luck.

Where would gender equality be if Jacobson didn’t have the strength to write social media posts and that one Medium article? We’d probably lose the right to vote, that’s where!

Dinnnerinnerinner dinnner . how do you spell that word. dinnnner

Everybody poops. Even your edgy teen.

Just make sure the purse is strong enough to hold your rage.

Your smart kids deserve a smart treat!

If Dick Cheney had a period the Iraq war would have never been started because he would be too busy going to the hospital every full moon.

I am a human being trying to live her best life. And for me that means vodka all day every day. And I am not going to apologize for that.