Oops! I Think I May Have Over-Exfoliated
As a general rule, you should never exfoliate so much that you accidentally end up brushing your teeth with your finger tips and Clinique facial scrub.
Build Wealth Even If Your Business Manager Won’t Suck A Dick For You
Like the say in business school, “Don’t blow your money. Let your money blow you.”
Hot Piles Of Garbage: Editor Amanda Mannen’s Morning Routine
Amanda lives in Missoula, Montana, so we didn’t actually go out there to observe her morning routine firsthand even though LAX is one of the few airports that actually flies directly to Missoula because we’re scared of Republicans.
Improve Your Child’s Immunity By Coughing In Her Face
Coughing directly in your child’s face is the ecological, non-toxic, and natural way to ensure they grow healthy immune systems.
My Son Dialed 1-800-Kars-4-Kids, But They Refused To Give Him A Tesla
Elon Musk is his hero! I tried to explain this to them but they kept asking if I wanted to sponsor the education for some child “in need.”
Western Medicine Is A Lie: What Are Penises REALLY For?!??!!!!!??!
Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?
This Year, Train Your Body To Tolerate More Pain With Vicodin!
Imagine a world in which knives do not exist. Picture that world, and reach into your aged leather waist satchel for more Vicodin.
Choose Circumcision! We Need To Keep Appeasing The Foreskin Wizard
Whatever you think you know is really just the tip.
We Tried Every Soap On The Market And Are Plagued With Regret
From Goat’s Milk Lavender to Honeysuckle Harmony, they tried them all. Oh God, why?
How Do You Tell If An Object Sparks Joy Or Just Gave You An Orgasm Once?
No, literally all I have left now are vibrators and cake mix.
8 Eclectic Bathroom Designs You Could Totally Bust A Fat Log In
Who says you can’t drop anchor and also be inspired?
Macaulay Culkin’s Wellness Island Festival Has Been Regretfully Cancelled
Turns out crabs are no joke!
Chrissy Teigen Is The Anti-Gwyneth, So I Guess We Have To Eat Her
How else shall we absorb her powers?
My Morning Routine: Pilates And An Orgasm From A Stranger
It’s a simple thing, but I think it is worth it.
Barney The Dinosaur On Shopping, Sex, And His Healthy Purple Glow
We’re all about the icons of the ’90s, and perhaps no one is more iconic of that simpler time than Barney the Dinosaur. We grew up alongside that taxonomically ambiguous purple creature, so it’s only natural that he also grew up alongside us. What you may not know (but, of course, we do, because we […]
There Was A Mini Friends Reunion In My Latest Restraining Order
Whenever more than one former Friends cast member enters the same room it is a mini Friends reunion and must be reported as such.
7 Fun Knives For Severing Your Pinkie After Breaking Your Resolutions
There was no way you were really going to “Travel More” this year.
Make The Most Of Your Dying Days And Multi-Task Your Bucket List
You’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down.
Old-Timey Car Horn Sounds To Make During A Breast Exam
A simple AYOOGA or BLEEP BLEEP can make all the difference.
We Asked Celebrities For Their Embarrassing Sex Stories…
… And You Won’t Believe How Offended They Were!
5 Questions About Spaghetti You Should Never Ask on a Job Interview
The question job applicants dread.
The Beginner’s Guide To Pre-Emptive Amputation
There are lots of reasons to carve off one of your arms or legs before its absolutely necessary.
We Just Tried Western Medicine, And Holy Shit Is It Effective!
Have you guys ever tried antibiotics?!
Should I Use Nanotechnology To Turn My Stomach Into Several Cow Stomachs?
So I Can Thrive On Just Grass?
I’m Not The Writer Of This Article, I’m Just Burgling Her Apartment
She just fell asleep while submitting a piece and I’ve never been published before so, wow!
Why We’ve Moved Our Offices To A Barge On International Waters
It has zero to do with our recent legal troubles, okay?
The Best Books To Burn To Keep You Super Cozy This Winter
Who needs kindling when you have these literally classics?
Get Your Strongest Core Ever With Nonstop Crying!
Some call it “Sob Crunches” while others like myself prefer “Exer-crying”.
The Beginner’s Guide To The Perfect Plantation Wedding
Morally compromise everyone you love for the day of your dreams.
I’m Totally Okay Being Trapped Under This Weighted Blanket
Getting crushed to death never felt so safe.