Tag Archives: Proclivities

Modern love is a strange, exhausting experience.

Craig said he was fine with it

Don’t even introduce yourself.

‘I’ve never felt more alive.’

Bling out that b-hole!

And ONLY Billy Corgan.

Will it be Janice? Or maybe Bill Cosby?

There must be a logical explanation.

Self care is important. That’s why we want you to listen to your body. No, like REALLY listen to it. Know what we’re saying?

This amazing new tobacco plant is all-natural and therefore must be healthy. Right?

Ink is beautiful.

If you love taupe you’re going to lose your shit for this.

Look, we all know you only browse yoga articles because maybe you’ll see a nipple or something. Whatever.

We dove deep to find out exactly where you should be pooping. You’re welcome!

I thought my life was over when I changed my identity and was forced into hiding. But boy was I wrong

Based on my experience, these are hard rules (no exceptions) on how to catch the absolute perfect, most brilliant, driven person ever. 

Hey Janice just wanted to let you know that sweater is super cute and also cancer but you’ve got like thirty years.

I ended up leaving after they finished playing “You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)” by Dead Or Alive for the sixth time. Is this all they play at this place, like, constantly on loop?

No, I’m not going to cook you in this soothing ramen noodle bath, dangit. And frankly, I’m offended you would even ask that.

I can feel it when I’m eating.

We know you loved Dad, but we also know you love the environment more. Use this opportunity to teach everyone about the true beauty of upcycling.

Is your husband’s skin dry, cracked, or scaly? Here’s some sneaky, virtually fool-proof ways to get that man to moisturize.

Ever feel like you’re letting your poops go to waste? Have you ever considered dropping them on the doorstep of people who may or may not need them?

“Who even told you that was a thing? — Our Doctor

Our hot new antibiotics primer let’s you get the most out of this year’s music festival without looking like a basic penicillin loser.

We followed Rami Malek around to see what he gets up to, and then kidnapped him!

Show your tree how much you love it…physically.

Your wedding gift registry isn’t about tradition, it’s about letting guests know you can outscrew anyone, in explicit detail!

Some self-described Sapiosexuals are pansexual and pretentious, but others are just pretentious. You’re smart, you fuck smart, and everyone should know it.

Stop spitting them into the garbage and do something useful with those beetles that emerge from your mouth for inscrutable reasons.

Don’t be a dick about it

I tried out this new Face/Off procedure so I could see what I could learn about my childhood in order to be able to exploit it for an internet article. Here is what I learned.

We believe in being introspective and learning about ourselves. That’s why we hired serious professionals to smell our farts.

We bought ourselves some gold-studded berets and launched a full-scale investigation.  Yes, we were going to discover the true form of the French penis.

Worth it.

Every dad has a pants pickle ready to tickle, but we don’t always put it out there in the best light. Well that ends now.

Or do you hate your children too much help them succeed?

Time to roll up your sleeves, roll down your waistband, and tend to an indent herb garden of your own.

Remember, your sex life doesn’t need to follow the Geneva Convention, so just have fun with it!

Talk about your dumb luck.

If Dick Cheney had a period the Iraq war would have never been started because he would be too busy going to the hospital every full moon.

You aren’t paying all that money for someone to tell you you are wrong!

It was very much not okay in the end.

Move over Fudgy the Whale, crude needle poke tattoos are the new big children’s party must-have of the year!